Do as I say, not as I do

The phrase "Do as I say, not as I do" is usually associated with parents and children. But, for those of us who advise other people in some capacity, it takes on a broader meaning. Recently, this has been a theme for me, not only in my role as a mother to two girls but also as a friend and lightworker.

I'm pretty good at telling other people what to do and how to do it when it comes to dealing with issues that pop up in their lives. (Yeah, I'm bossy that way - it probably comes from being the older sister to two brothers.) I think, at least some of the time, I give decent advice. With respect to my kids, it's sort of my job to tell them what to do. And what not to do.

But, truth be told, I take very little of my own advice when it comes to running my life. Which means I haven't been eating well, sleeping enough, keeping myself organized or doing the creative stuff (like writing) that keeps me sane. And because of this, I'm struggling with the fact that - like it or not- I'm a role model for my kids and, to an extent, my clients.

A quick side note about the role model thing . . . I'm currently in school to become a massage therapist. At school, we have those horrible vending machines that sell unhealthy sodas and snacks. Lacking will power and loving Mountain Dew makes it difficult for me to stay away from that particular sugar/caffeine infusion on the days when I'm at school. One day I let it slip in front of my daughter that I was drinking Mountain Dew at school. She knows how bad it is healthwise. We don't keep soda at home. I rarely let the kids drink it - I'm constantly extolling the virtues of water as the preferred beverage. She, rightfully, got ticked off at me. Then I got ticked off because, frankly, sometimes it sucks being a role model. (And because I was stupid for saying something in front of her. I mean, it's ok for parents to have a few secrets from their kids, right?)

It boils down to this: How can I counsel people on how to be healthier, take better care of themselves, be more mindful about how they spend their time and live more passionate lives when I'm not always walking the walk?

Several weeks ago I was whining on Twitter about the fact that I don't follow my own good advice and my very smart friend, Lisa Miles Brady, stopped me in my tracks with this question: What advice would you give me if I was having the same problem?

It took me awhile to figure out a good answer to that question. And here it is: stop trying to do it all on your own. It's not only children who benefit from being part of a village. As adults, we benefit from being part of a tribe. What good is having friends if you can't turn to them in a time of need? And yet, this is so hard for me. I love to help people. With my friends I try to reach out to help even when I'm not asked. But when I need help, I don't always reach out. And I'm really good at pretending everything is hunky dorey (even if I can sometimes admit - at least on this blog - that they're not). My friends don't always know when I need help even though I know some of them would reach out to me if they knew.

There's a reason that we go to healers and life coaches or ask friends for advice. It's not always because we don't know what to do or how to heal ourselves or how to kick our business up a notch. It's because we often need a different perspective to help us choose the right path out of the many before us. When we're stuck, it's usually because we're too emotionally involved in our own lives to see clearly. If you're wandering in the forest, it's great to have someone else with you to rise above the trees and point you in the right direction. Or at least give you an idea of the obstacles you might face if you choose a particular path.

One of the catalysts for this realization came from recent discussions I've had with the lovely and smart Gina Loree' Marks at Embody Grace. (By the way, Gina has been the catalyst for several good things in my life over the past year or so. She's part of the reason I'm in massage school and has helped me along my path in ways big and small. She's one of my heroes. You should all go check her out.) Gina is working on a new business helping healers develop a web presence. She asked for volunteers to help her figure out what healer-types might want and need in this area. Because I love to help and because this is an area where I'm struggling, I volunteered. We chatted on Skype for awhile about what I want to do with my web presence and the issues I'm facing.

Gina noticed during our talk that I need help with something other than my web presence. She sensed that I'm struggling with some of the most basic issues having to do with starting a business as an independent service provider. As a former corporate lawyer, I was comfortable with stuff like forming the corporate entity, getting the paperwork done and hiring an accountant. But I'm floundering with marketing myself, planning a budget on a freelance-type income and coordinating the several different income-generating projects I'm currently working on. Since Gina is a Shiatsu practitioner with her own practice and has been down this road before, she's in a great position to help me through this particular forest.

It isn't that I don't know or can't figure out the nuts and bolts of those things on my own. I could, intellectually at least. But I was stuck in a rut - paralyzed by fear and inertia and a general sense of overwhelm. So Gina offered to help me by being a sort of "accountability partner." She's breaking down the tasks for me into bite sized pieces that I can handle. And she tells me that it's ok if I don't have all the answers now. She reminds me that just putting one foot in front of the other is all I need to do right now. But she also holds me accountable. She reminds me (gently, of course) when I'm not addressing an issue I should be thinking about. We're in the early stages of this partnership and so far it's going great. And once I get a better sense of the services I'm offering, who my "right people" are and, just generally, what I'm all about these days, then we'll work on my web presence. One thing at a time. Or maybe two things.

And because I just love synchronicity, I have to mention that while I was working on this post, I read this great post over at The Complete Flake. LaVonne was talking about hitting a wall and not knowing what to say or do next. Instead of shutting down, she reached out to a friend who helped her move forward. It made her realize the importance of this: "Ask, and allow others to help you, encourage you, love you." That's what it's all about.

We don't have to do everything all by ourselves. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Blog, interrupted

I didn't intend to take such a long sabbatical from blogging. It kind of just happened when I stopped writing over the 4th of July holiday and then didn't start again until now, six weeks later. I have a good excuse handy. I started massage therapy school right after the holiday. There's a fair bit of homework and all that. And I'm still working part-time as a lawyer. And I'm a mom. So I'm busy, busy, busy. So, yeah. Sounds good right? Well, it's bullshit. I mean it's true - I'm busy. But it's bullshit that I didn't have time to write. The fact is, I couldn't. Or wouldn't. Or whatever.

I had a bit of a . . . thing . . . with my family over the holiday and it knocked me way off center. Holidays are hard for me generally. Try as I might, I can't seem to get rid of my high expectations for holiday cheer. Even though I've never, ever had a Norman Rockwell family experience, there's a part of me that holds onto the hope that my family can be that loving "together" family of my dreams. Ever since the "thing" on July 3rd (which dashed my holiday hopes yet again) I've been struggling to write. I needed to write about my family but I didn't want to. But I couldn't write about anything else either. When you try to ignore the elephant in the room, it just keeps getting bigger until you can't see or even think about anything else.

So why don't I want to write about the "thing" with my family? Because I keep hoping that I can somehow make this blog non-anonymous. It's not really anonymous now, most of my readers know my real name. Hell, most of you are Facebook friends. But most of my off-line friends and family don't really know about it. Not that I would be upset if they stumbled on it but I'm hesitant to write personal stuff about my family and then make the blog more public to people who know them. On the other hand, pretty much everyone who knows me knows at least part of the story. So f**k it.

I was estranged from my dad and my brothers and pretty much most of my family for the past 12 years. Part of it had to do with my family not getting along with my husband and my feeling that I had to choose between them. (I was 7 months pregnant with my first child when we had a big falling out. I chose my husband.) Part of it had to do with everyone being stubborn and no one wanting to admit that they were wrong. For the record - and I've said this to everyone involved - I take responsibility for my own part in the whole mess. Also for the record, no one else in my family has been willing to do the same. But whatever. Life is too short. I'm willing to let it all go and just start fresh. I thought everyone else could do the same.

To the extent that I ever thought about it during those 12 years, I guess I saw myself as a puzzle piece lost under the couch. Once I was "found" I could just fit back into my very own tailor-made spot. But life isn't that neat and orderly. The puzzle changed. I changed. And I don't fit so neatly into the slot I once occupied. I missed a lot of stuff that went on so I wasn't there for various people in my family during some tough times. There are hard feelings. (Never mind that they weren't there for me during my hard times. But, like I said, whatever.)

What happened on the 3rd of July is kind of silly, in retrospect. My kids and I were supposed to go to my dad's and hang out with family. But some of my family members were going through another one of their tough times. And they only wanted "immediate family" around. I'm no longer considered immediate family so my kids and I were uninvited. I was disappointed. And really, really, really hurt. My kids couldn't have cared less. So that's good. I guess.

After six weeks of reflection I'm able to see that this has very little to do with me and a lot to do with them. I can sort of look at it objectively. Sort of. Here's what I've learned:

• You can go home again. But you can't expect it to be as if you never left in the first place.
• I've done the right thing - for myself - in forgiving them even if they can't forgive me. Life is too f**king short to hold grudges.
• If the family you were born into doesn't fill your needs, build one that does. Surround yourself with supportive friends who love you unconditionally. If you look, you'll find them.
• No matter how hard you try to stay grounded, something will come along to knock you off your feet. The key is to get back up and find a way to get grounded again.

So it has taken me awhile to regain my footing, so to speak. But I'm back and feeling stronger, and happier, than ever. Now that I've gotten the elephant out of the room, maybe I'll even start writing regularly again. Not many things would make me happier.

The Happiness Plan

The past few days I haven't been feeling very good about myself and I've been struggling to figure out what to do about it. So this morning when I woke up, a question popped into my head. "When you've felt good about yourself in the past, what's been going on and how can you replicate it?"

I was surprised and dismayed by my answer to the first part of the question. "I feel good about myself when other people are happy with me or when I'm in love (which usually means someone is in love with me)." The fairly obvious problem with that is that my happiness with myself is entirely dependent on other people. So the only way to replicate that feeling is to "make" other people praise me or fall in love with me. Clearly this is not realistic (especially given my lack of a life time supply of Love Potion #9).

So I dug a little deeper. "What was going on the last time you fell in love or when you had the kind of positive connections that you're looking for?" Because those things don't happen in a vacuum. When we're doing what we love to do - when we're happy - we attract positive connections. I guess that's what all the Law of Attraction proponents say. Maybe they're on to something . . . What I need is a Happiness Plan!

Although I don't want to base my self-worth on my interactions with others, I don't think there's anything wrong with doing things to make myself a little happier which will hopefully help to attract the connection that I want and so clearly need in my life. I have to be careful, though, that I don't start doing things that might make me happy in the short-run (instant gratification) but sacrifice my happiness in the long-run. I've never been much good at delayed gratification it seems. So my Happiness Plan has to incorporate things that will make me happy in the long-run even if they might make me whine in the short-run.

I've talked about my tendency to break promises I make to myself. When I do that, it makes me unhappy. And lately, I've been breaking all kinds of promises. On the one hand, I don't want to be too hard on myself but on the other, I worry that I'm too easy. There has to be a happy medium somewhere. I think the key to that is to make sure that I'm making promises (to myself and others) that are doable, consistent with my goals and values and flexible enough to take changed circumstances into consideration.

With my one week on/one week off custody arrangement, I have to schedule my promises with the understanding that when I have the kids, I have less time for things like writing. I simply can't write 2500 words a day when I have custody of the kids. If I expect to be able to do that, my conflicting goals are going to make me crazy. I want to spend time with the kids. I want to write a lot. But they can't both be my highest priority at the same time. If, by trying to do one I sacrifice the other, I will never be happy. But I'm in control of my promises to myself and I'm in control of determining how to meet my goals. Which means that I can wave my magic Glinda wand and say "When I have custody of the kids, I don't have to write 2500 words a day." And it's done. The pressure is off.

Managing my expectations about my ability to do stuff is only part of the Happiness Plan. The other part is to step up my game in areas that can't be waved away with my magic wand. As much as I'd love to make my bills disappear, every month my mortgage lender expects to be paid. And no amount of wishful thinking is going to change that.

It should come as no surprise that I've been slacking off some in the work department. Mainly because I still, technically, have a "day job" that I don't love but that pays the bills for now. I get paid hourly so I can work more hours and make more money. As much as it pains me to say this - if I had more money, I would be happier. It's not ALL about money but I hate worrying about money. I need just enough so that I don't have to worry about making next month's bills. Not worrying as much = happier.

The other slacking off area is organization. (Organization = bane of my existence). This is where short-term happiness vs. long-term happiness becomes a real issue for me. Short-term, few things make me happier than NOT cleaning and organizing (NOT exercising is close, though). Clearly, this is not a good set up for long-term happiness and effectiveness in life. I'm trying lots of different techniques to trick myself into getting stuff done but what I really need to do is JUST DO IT. Seriously, I need to put on some big girl pants and clean my room. It's sort of scary that I'm 45 years old and still need my Mom to yell at me before I will actually clean up the clutter. Sheesh. I know, deep down, that I'll be much happier and more relaxed if my surroundings are less cluttered. Apparently I somehow need to convince the part of my brain that actually controls my actions. Haven't figured out exactly how to do that consistently, though.

No Happiness Plan is complete without fun stuff. If there was no fun stuff, it would just be another to do list. (And if I've learned one thing in this life it's that to do lists suck.) When I'm not happy with myself, I start to feel like I don't deserve fun things. Somehow I figure that if I deny myself fun stuff, I'll get to work on the not-fun stuff so that when the not-fun stuff is done, THEN I'll deserve fun stuff. Not only is that sentence hard to read, that tactic does not work. Ever. Fun stuff has to be a part of every day in the Happiness Plan.

So here's my current Happiness Plan:

1) Think about the promises I've made to myself (and others) and make sure they're doable, flexible and consistent with my values and goals.

2) Step it up by working a few more hours each week and cleaning my freaking room (preferably with a minimum of whining).

3) Spend time outside every day - even when it's raining. (Because I'm always happier when I get out of the house even if I think I want to stay inside.)

4) Listen to my favorite music every day. (When I work at the office, I always play music but when I work at home I sometimes forget to turn it on. Music = fun.)

5) Talk to at least one friend a day. (It's easy for me to just chat on Twitter or read Facebook or email. But I feel so much more connected if I actually talk to someone. Connection = fun.)

The Happiness Plan will evolve over time (just like the dreaded to do list). But so long as the point is seeking happiness and not just getting things done, hopefully I'll be more likely to keep up with it. Now that I've developed the Plan, I'm going to clean my room with my favorite music playing!

Do you have a Happiness Plan? Share it here - I love sharing!

Multislacking (or why I love Twitter)

Here's what I asked Twitter today - If I procrastinate on more than one thing at a time, do I get extra points? My favorite answer was from @SquiggleJay - she said "Multislacking". I immediately started following her because that's awesome. (She says she probably heard that term somewhere so I don't know who coined it. If you know who coined it, tell them thanks from me!)

Anyway, a new competitive sport is born. Seriously, I think I could turn Multislacking into a national pastime rivaling baseball. (Mainly because I think baseball is boring unless you're in the bleachers at Wrigley drinking bad beer). I can't tell you how many people are into this sport and probably don't even know it yet.

Fact is, I'm a serial committer - meaning that I commit to a lot of things but I have a problem with follow through because I'm also a Multislacker. I am so good at procrastinating that I can procrastinate on several things at once. And the more things I commit myself to do, the more things I can procrastinate at any given time. I would totally win the Stanley Cup of Multislacking if we had one.

I'm a little concerned that this sport may not be very healthy. It's kind of like rugby only it probably doesn't involve serious physical injury. It could involve incurring financial penalties and a significant rise in the divorce rate. But that didn't stop horse racing did it?

There are just so many things that need to be done that I really dislike doing. And many of them would otherwise interfere with things I love, like long mid-week lunches with friends and movie watching. What's a girl to do?

As much as I'd love to stay at the top of my game, greats in all sports have to scale back or retire at some point. I think it's time for me to break out the kitchen timer and go back to my modified Flylady program that worked for me in the past. The basic premise is that you can do anything for 15 minutes. Pick a project, set a timer and go for it. Flylady has lots of other strategies for recovering Multislackers, too.

I struggle with this because I really don't want to change my essential nature - spontaneous, passionate, fun-loving, creative. And, like other creatives, I fear that any kind of structure will kill my buzz. I think that all my years being a lawyer and trying to live a life that didn't fit makes me extra sensitive to this issue. But I also know that I have to be a grown up and we all have to spend some time doing stuff that isn't fun just because it's a part of life. And also learning to delay gratification is a good thing. Sometimes. (And for a REALLY funny take on this, you have to read Hyperbole and a Half).

Yesterday was a 24-hour procrastination fest. (But I do feel rejuvenated today so maybe that's the silver lining). One of the things I procrastinated on was the Consciousness Cleanse. I kind of did Days 8 and 9 but didn't really have anything interesting to write about them. Like some of the first few days, there just wasn't anything new there for me. Day 8 was the Power of Liberation. (Been there, done that. Liberated from my job and my marriage. Can't get much more liberated . . .). Day 9 was the Power of Responsibility which is where you take responsibility for taking care of yourself. I guess it's relevant to what's going on with me right now. My struggle between needing to be an adult and not wanting to act like a grown up. I'm feeling like this consciousness cleanse might have been more useful to me a year ago.

So today is Day 10 - The Power of Humility. I guess calling myself the Queen of the Multislackers on Twitter this morning wasn't very humble. Sorry. Actually, this day is about realizing that it takes a village. Not only to raise kids. But to really take care of ourselves. We're so afraid to be vulnerable, to admit we don't know everything, that we put up a wall that cuts us off from connection to other people. We need to let our defenses down and let other people in so they can support us on our journey. I clearly used to have that problem, not sure I do anymore. Just in case this isn't already abundantly clear - I hereby admit that I don't know everything and I need all the help I can get. And we already know how much I crave connection. So I think I have this day covered.

Now I am off to an Abundance Meditation workshop led by my friend Debbie Taitel who is awesome. She's part of the growing clan that is supporting me on my journey. Go read her blog and follow her on Twitter @spiritlightmuse.

It's about connection! Now what?

I know I'm supposed to be writing about the Consciousness Cleanse that I'm doing and I'm two days behind but I'll get to it, maybe later today. Maybe not. But in the meantime I just had an epiphany walking home from the grocery store listening to Amazing by One EskimO. (Which is really an amazing song. Seriously.) The epiphany is this: It's about connecting to other people! That's it.

For some of you, this may not seem like an earth-shattering epiphany but for me it was and this is why. I'm really independent. Have been since I was a kid [insert sob story about divorced parents, blah, blah]. I had to do a lot of things on my own so I got used to being alone. And sometimes I actually do need to be alone in order to recharge. But really, deep down in places I don't talk about at parties (well, maybe I do), I'm a people person. I need to be around other people. Actually, it's more than that - I need to connect with other people. So it isn't enough to just go out and walk around the city surrounded by other human beings. I need to connect on a personal level.

This is related to my recent realization that I'm afraid that I'll spend the rest of my life alone. It's not that I can't live by myself or go out to dinner alone. It's not that I'm afraid of supporting myself (although if anyone wants to apply for the job of Sugar Daddy, the position is wide open). I'm just figuring out that I have a deep-seated need to share my life - my day-to-day existence - with other people.

It isn't necessarily that I need to get married again or even have a serious romantic relationship - although that would be great. But without a "partner" of some sort, it means I have to work harder to get that connection I need. That's probably one of the reasons I waited so long to get divorced. An unhealthy connection is still a connection. Having someone to come home to, even if all you want to do is avoid them, is still easier (I didn't say better) than having to do the work of finding someone else to spend time with (or ignore, I guess). I never said it was a good reason to put off getting divorced . . .

I would probably be really happy living in a commune. Assuming the other people living there didn't annoy me too much with New Age music and assuming I wouldn't get kicked out for wanting to keep my one pair of Jimmy Choo's. But if I could find the right tribe of people to live with, I'd be great.

The wonderful thing about my new career path of being a massage/Reiki therapist is that when I am working, I can't help but connect with people. Being a healer allows me to use my hands, heart, mind and spirit to work. Being a lawyer - I used my mind (and my hands if you count drafting boring documents using my hands). When I was working at a company, I was in meetings all the time. Most people hate meetings. I hated some of them - when they were pointless and boring. But mainly, I loved that part of my job and now I know why. It was the part of my job that involved connecting to other people. Helping them get stuff done. Helping them work through issues. That's what I love to do.

But right now I'm spending a lot of time alone, writing and trying to set up an online business. So how do I deal with it? Two words: Facebook and Twitter. Isn't the Internet wonderful? On Facebook, I've reconnected with all kinds of new and old friends, near and far. I connect with all kinds of people - sometimes on a deeper level than some in-person relationships - on the Internet. Just a few of my relatively new Internet friends are Gina, Miss Mandie, LaVonne, Peggie, Jesse, Kevin and Tony. These are real people who could totally call me up if they were in Chicago and I would drop everything to meet them for coffee. I might even consider donating a kidney if one of them needed it. Or maybe just offer to edit their eBooks. But I've never met them "in real life" and it doesn't matter. They're just as much friends as many of my other "real life" friends are. Which is why I spend way, way more time on Twitter and Facebook than I really should.

The really important thing this epiphany does is shine the light on the things I do when I get lonely. And I get lonely a lot these days when I don't have custody of my kids and I haven't made the effort to get together with friends. What I end up doing when I'm lonely is eating crap and messing around on the Internet. And it never seems to fill me up because "you can never get enough of the things you don't need." (I don't know who coined this phrase but it's a good one). The point is - as much as I love my tortilla chips, if I'm eating them to assuage the loneliness, I'll never stop eating them. I will never be able to get enough because they will never get rid of the loneliness. The only thing that gets rid of the loneliness is connecting. What do I do when it's late at night, none of my friends are on Twitter or Facebook and I start feeling the need for connection now that I know I shouldn't grab the chips (or start playing computer games)?

I don't know. I guess we'll see tonight. (I really, really wish I had a good answer for this - maybe someday soon I will).

Wherein I tell you that it's ok to be a Badass Bitch and show you how Glinda the Good Witch can help you feel powerful

I've made it through six days of my Consciousness Cleanse, can you believe it? I've actually stuck with it for almost a week. Amazing. I know. Day 6 is The Gift of Surrender where we stop resisting our emotions and . . . yes, "surrender" to them. Although I haven't written directly about this, I have written about letting go and being ok with not being happy all the time. So, yeah. I get that it's important to acknowledge and accept ALL of our feelings - good and bad. And feel all of our feelings. Bad feelings don't go away when you ignore them. In fact, they stick around because you ignore them. Because "what you resist, persists." Whether you like it or not.

So let's all quit pretending to be Little Mary Sunshine all the time and let our Badass Bitch have the floor every once in awhile. It's healthy. (Maybe not for the people around you on Badass Bitch Day but if you can't score a little "alone" time when she shows up, Little Mary Sunshine will make nice later. Don't sweat it.) In all seriousness, stop feeling like you have to be happy all the time. Stop denying your dark side. It's ok.

Ok, I said I was going to blog about doing the Cleanse and now that I've gotten that out of the way, I want to talk about something else. I want to tell you about Glinda the Good Witch and how helpful she can be in helping you get free of unhealthy attachments to people and events.

Is there a person in your life who triggers strong negative emotions in you time and again? Is there an event from the past that, whenever you think about it, causes major heartburn? Do you feel powerless to stop your painful reaction to those people and events? With the help of Glinda, you can stop the painful reactions. Or at least diminish the pain.

There is a scene in the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy is with Glinda in Munchkinland. The Wicked Witch pops in and threatens Dorothy. Glinda laughs and says "You have no power here. Be gone. Before someone drops a house on you, too." I've tried to find video of this scene because how she says this and the way she laughs is important. Glinda says this line with perfect authority and just a little bit of smug dismissiveness. The Wicked Witch has no choice but to slink off - and without the ruby slippers, too.

This may seem totally weird but I swear it works. Here's what I want you to do. The next time you're with a crazy-making person and he or she starts to do the stuff that drives you insane, I want you to either picture Glinda saying this line to that person or silently say the line yourself. If it's a past event, whenever you start reliving it, have Glinda say the line or you can even say it out loud. (I've tried saying it out loud but the problem is that I can't seem to get the laugh right and it kind of ruins it. So usually I just have Glinda say it.)

The fact is that these people and events only have power over us because we let them. As hard as it sometimes is to see, we really do have a choice in how we react to the actions of other people. Glinda helps us remember that the only person with power over our emotions is us. No one else has any power in our head unless we give it to them. If you've given some of that power away, Glinda helps you regain it.

Try it and let me know how it goes for you. Once you start, you'll find so many places that this can be used to help you stop feeling controlled by situations. Using this trick doesn't mean you'll stop feeling angry at your ex when he does that thing he does that always pisses you off but he does it anyway and probably on purpose because he knows it pisses you off. You may still be angry but it won't eat you up for three days after you see him. And you might even get to the point where it just doesn't bother you anymore. Because he will not have that power over you anymore.

Trust me. This will work. In fact, I'm beginning to think that the sillier and more fun something is, the more powerful its magic. And I find that really exciting.

My body is a temple, blah, blah, blah. Pass the chips.

We're on Day 5 of the Consciousness Cleanse and today's focus is reverence for our bodies. We're asked to write a letter of apology to our bodies, keeping in mind the question: "If you knew your body was the Holy container of the Divine, what do you need to say you're sorry for?"

*Sigh* I'm not sure what to think about this issue. On the one hand, I totally owe my body an apology. For lots and lots of things. I have not been very nice to it over the years. But I'm having a weird reaction to the idea of apologizing to my body. To a certain extent, my body is me. I guess I could apologize to myself for a life time of bad eating habits and my refusal to get over my well-known addiction to Hint of Lime Tostitos. (They are the crack cocaine of food. Captain Crunch with Crunchberries is the primo weed. And using the word "primo" probably dates me more than my crow's feet do. But I digress. )

This reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from C.S. Lewis that pops up on Twitter all the time: You do not have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.

So, my soul is the Divine and my body is the container for my soul. I've known that for a long time. And yet I still often treat my body like a landfill. And I guess I should be hunkering down to write that apology to my divine soul but it just feels . . . weird. I have no problem with recognizing that I only get one go around in this body and if I don't take care of it, my go around could be cut short.

Maybe this is giving me trouble because it's not new to me. There's no revelation for me in today's Cleanse. It's kind of "same old, same old" - my body is a temple, blah, blah, blah. Pass the chips. I'm just not that into it.

I'm exaggerating of course. I do try to take care of myself most of the time. I'm doing non-sucky yoga regularly. I quit smoking and got off anti-depressants. I'm learning to meditate without having to beat my ADD brain into submission. I'm taking better care of my body because it makes sense. Because if I don't, I won't be able to walk my life's path of being a healer. And if I don't, I'm not setting a good example for my kids. The idea that my body is a container for my soul just doesn't do it for me. It doesn't motivate me in the least. I'm not sure why not but there it is.

I'm still working on the outer goal (getting paperwork done) and the inner goal (feeling peaceful) that started with Day 1 of the Cleanse. Today I got some stuff done towards getting my work area more organized. Right now it actually looks worse than it did when I started but I know I've made progress (packed two boxes of books for storage and set aside a bunch of books to sell to the used book store). Oh, and the books I'm selling? They're all self-help books about PMS and PMDD and peri-menopause. I got them because someone told me I had a problem with my hormones. I didn't have a problem with my hormones. I had a problem with the someone. So the books (along with the someone) are outta here. As far as feeling peaceful . . . that's been a little more difficult. Driving in rush hour traffic during the storm of the century didn't really help. But sitting on a friend's porch after the storm and watching the fireflies flicker? Now that felt peaceful.