Do as I say, not as I do

The phrase "Do as I say, not as I do" is usually associated with parents and children. But, for those of us who advise other people in some capacity, it takes on a broader meaning. Recently, this has been a theme for me, not only in my role as a mother to two girls but also as a friend and lightworker.

I'm pretty good at telling other people what to do and how to do it when it comes to dealing with issues that pop up in their lives. (Yeah, I'm bossy that way - it probably comes from being the older sister to two brothers.) I think, at least some of the time, I give decent advice. With respect to my kids, it's sort of my job to tell them what to do. And what not to do.

But, truth be told, I take very little of my own advice when it comes to running my life. Which means I haven't been eating well, sleeping enough, keeping myself organized or doing the creative stuff (like writing) that keeps me sane. And because of this, I'm struggling with the fact that - like it or not- I'm a role model for my kids and, to an extent, my clients.

A quick side note about the role model thing . . . I'm currently in school to become a massage therapist. At school, we have those horrible vending machines that sell unhealthy sodas and snacks. Lacking will power and loving Mountain Dew makes it difficult for me to stay away from that particular sugar/caffeine infusion on the days when I'm at school. One day I let it slip in front of my daughter that I was drinking Mountain Dew at school. She knows how bad it is healthwise. We don't keep soda at home. I rarely let the kids drink it - I'm constantly extolling the virtues of water as the preferred beverage. She, rightfully, got ticked off at me. Then I got ticked off because, frankly, sometimes it sucks being a role model. (And because I was stupid for saying something in front of her. I mean, it's ok for parents to have a few secrets from their kids, right?)

It boils down to this: How can I counsel people on how to be healthier, take better care of themselves, be more mindful about how they spend their time and live more passionate lives when I'm not always walking the walk?

Several weeks ago I was whining on Twitter about the fact that I don't follow my own good advice and my very smart friend, Lisa Miles Brady, stopped me in my tracks with this question: What advice would you give me if I was having the same problem?

It took me awhile to figure out a good answer to that question. And here it is: stop trying to do it all on your own. It's not only children who benefit from being part of a village. As adults, we benefit from being part of a tribe. What good is having friends if you can't turn to them in a time of need? And yet, this is so hard for me. I love to help people. With my friends I try to reach out to help even when I'm not asked. But when I need help, I don't always reach out. And I'm really good at pretending everything is hunky dorey (even if I can sometimes admit - at least on this blog - that they're not). My friends don't always know when I need help even though I know some of them would reach out to me if they knew.

There's a reason that we go to healers and life coaches or ask friends for advice. It's not always because we don't know what to do or how to heal ourselves or how to kick our business up a notch. It's because we often need a different perspective to help us choose the right path out of the many before us. When we're stuck, it's usually because we're too emotionally involved in our own lives to see clearly. If you're wandering in the forest, it's great to have someone else with you to rise above the trees and point you in the right direction. Or at least give you an idea of the obstacles you might face if you choose a particular path.

One of the catalysts for this realization came from recent discussions I've had with the lovely and smart Gina Loree' Marks at Embody Grace. (By the way, Gina has been the catalyst for several good things in my life over the past year or so. She's part of the reason I'm in massage school and has helped me along my path in ways big and small. She's one of my heroes. You should all go check her out.) Gina is working on a new business helping healers develop a web presence. She asked for volunteers to help her figure out what healer-types might want and need in this area. Because I love to help and because this is an area where I'm struggling, I volunteered. We chatted on Skype for awhile about what I want to do with my web presence and the issues I'm facing.

Gina noticed during our talk that I need help with something other than my web presence. She sensed that I'm struggling with some of the most basic issues having to do with starting a business as an independent service provider. As a former corporate lawyer, I was comfortable with stuff like forming the corporate entity, getting the paperwork done and hiring an accountant. But I'm floundering with marketing myself, planning a budget on a freelance-type income and coordinating the several different income-generating projects I'm currently working on. Since Gina is a Shiatsu practitioner with her own practice and has been down this road before, she's in a great position to help me through this particular forest.

It isn't that I don't know or can't figure out the nuts and bolts of those things on my own. I could, intellectually at least. But I was stuck in a rut - paralyzed by fear and inertia and a general sense of overwhelm. So Gina offered to help me by being a sort of "accountability partner." She's breaking down the tasks for me into bite sized pieces that I can handle. And she tells me that it's ok if I don't have all the answers now. She reminds me that just putting one foot in front of the other is all I need to do right now. But she also holds me accountable. She reminds me (gently, of course) when I'm not addressing an issue I should be thinking about. We're in the early stages of this partnership and so far it's going great. And once I get a better sense of the services I'm offering, who my "right people" are and, just generally, what I'm all about these days, then we'll work on my web presence. One thing at a time. Or maybe two things.

And because I just love synchronicity, I have to mention that while I was working on this post, I read this great post over at The Complete Flake. LaVonne was talking about hitting a wall and not knowing what to say or do next. Instead of shutting down, she reached out to a friend who helped her move forward. It made her realize the importance of this: "Ask, and allow others to help you, encourage you, love you." That's what it's all about.

We don't have to do everything all by ourselves. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

My consciousness is getting cleaner by the day . . .

So yesterday (or was it the day before?) was Day 2 of the Consciousness Cleanse. Now that I'm not working at a 9 to 5 job, I sometimes find it hard to keep track of what day it is. Especially when the kids are out of school.

My flakiness aside, I did Day 2 but found it surprisingly difficult. Day 2 is the day of self-awareness. We're counseled to "invoke the agent of change called self-awareness" and begin to "digest" some toxic stuff or something. I have to be honest. That's the kind of self-help mumbo jumbo that turns me off. I get it - we can't begin to change unless we know who we are and what we want to change. Right? If you know you want to get to Point B, you need good directions. But the directions will be different depending on whether you're on Point A, Point C or Point Z. And that's where self-awareness comes in.

Day 2 also involves changing our perspective on our lives and the decisions we've made along the way. We're supposed to pretend that our lives are movies that we're watching without judgment. And once we stop judging things to be good or bad we can, presumably, release the emotional attachments to those events that are holding us back. See - I can totally talk the talk. I read this stuff, I can explain it to other people in words that (I think) sound pretty good and I really do understand what these exercises are supposed to accomplish. But it doesn't seem to work for me.

There's really only one thing I regret in my life and that's the fact that I wasted a lot of energy in my late 20s/early 30s worrying about the future. Two things in particular - getting the right job/career and finding a husband - a father for the children I wanted so desperately to have before it was "too late." But I don't judge myself poorly for that. I think. I bought into the cultural party line that was, and is, so powerful. I wasn't alone. I feel kind of sorry for younger me in fact. She missed out on a lot of amazing adventures because she wasn't focused enough in the "now." She made decisions she thought she had to make in order to have the future she thought she wanted. She was somewhat delusional. All the other stuff - the little and big things I would have done differently - it all comes from excessive worrying about the future.

So Day 2, for me, didn't really lead to any epiphanies because I'm already fairly self-aware. I already know what things limit me and I'm working on changing those things. In fact, I think my problem with getting paperwork done stems from living too much in the "now." I'm not thinking enough about the future and the work that needs to be done today in order to have a more peaceful and happy tomorrow. So I guess I just didn't get much out of Day 2. I did make a little more progress on my paperwork monster (a little, tiny bit) and I reminded myself - several times - of the Reiki principles to try to keep myself in a peaceful mood. So it wasn't a complete bust.

On to Day 3 which is the Gift of Release. This is where we take the limiting and toxic beliefs and behaviors and release them so that we can move forward. One of the concepts Ford talks about is that all the negative things that happened to us and all the negative self-talk, release toxins into our psyche. By the way, that's the same principle that Don Miguel Ruiz talks about in Toltec wisdom book (also known as The Four Agreements). (I highly recommend this book, by the way. My friend, the fabulous Judah Kurtz at Judah Buddha, recommends it to all his clients. If I had money, I would be a client but I don't so I just take advantage of his good advice as a friend!)

The Four Agreements resonates more with me because although the book is totally woo woo, the agreements themselves are very down to earth and easy to follow. I won't go into all of them (that's a post for another day) but the one that's relevant to today's Cleanse is "Be impeccable with your word." I think most people read that initially as meaning "don't lie." And it does mean that. But it really means to be very careful about what you say. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Do not speak poorly about yourself (even in your head). Don't gossip or be mean to others. "Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love." I don't know about you but I think that the world would be a much better place if more people did just that.

So I'm already working on being nicer to myself (and everyone around me). I already know that the only thing standing between me and the life I want to live is fear. I have a daily wrestling match with fear. I stopped keeping score awhile ago because you know how much I hate keeping track of details like that. Fear is pretty strong and he's had the best of me for a long time. But the daily wrestling is making me stronger and I'm gaining ground. Haven't found his Achilles heal yet but I'll keep trying. Now I'm going to do some more paperwork stuff - baby steps. And then I'm going to do some yoga to help me feel more peaceful.

Now I'm curious about you. What are your self-limiting beliefs? What can you do today to start getting out of your own way?

On my own

As I was writing my 2500 words today, I was struck by the realization that I am afraid of being alone. Not scared of the dark afraid. Not afraid to go to the movies or have dinner by myself. Afraid of spending the rest of my life without someone of the opposite sex to share it with. My divorce is almost final and then I'll be officially on my own. I wanted the divorce so it's not that I want my ex back or anything. And I thought I'd be psyched to be on my own and have some of the freedom I was lacking. Which is why I was surprised by that realization.

I thought something deeper was going on and wanted to figure out where the fear was coming from so I sat in Remembrance on it. Remembrance is a wonderful Sufi meditation practice of connecting with your heart which is taught by Mark Silver. After just a short time in Remembrance, I had some interesting revelations.

The first thought that popped into my head was "Being alone means death." That might seem a bit over-dramatic unless you look at it from an ancient human DNA standpoint. When humans were living in the wilderness, being exiled or separated from the tribe meant certain death from starvation or hungry wild animals. Women needed a provider to take care of them and their children. Even though it's not at all applicable to me in this life, it's probably something that comes from my 'lizard brain' that doesn't want to be ignored. (The lizard brain is the part of our brains that has been with us since the beginning of our evolution as a species and it's most concerned with survival. It's the part of our brains that makes snap judgments about the safety of people and situations and helps keep us safe from a hungry tiger. Which is generally not relevant to life on the streets of Chicago. But you never know, I suppose.)

I thought about how the need to be part of a "tribe" might apply, even if tangentially, to my life today and it occurred to me that most people have an innate drive to connect with other people. It might be the lizard brain tribal inclusion drive. Or it might be more emotionally-based rather than survival-based. I know that I have a strong need for emotional connection and I don't think I'm alone. The growth of social media bears that out. I know there are a lot of people that use Twitter and Facebook and the like to make money but far more people are using them to connect to other people in some deeper way. For some, online relationships are a poor substitute for the "real thing." But some of my online relationships have been deeper, more interesting and more life-changing than many off-line relationships. That said, romantic relationships that are solely online leave something to be desired. (And let's leave it at that, shall we?)

So I went deeper into Remembrance and realized that I've been avoiding some things related to my being on my own. As part of my divorce, we need to sell our condo and get our own apartments. We're separated but we share the condo and a one-bedroom apartment nearby. Whoever has custody for the week lives with the kids in the condo and the other lives in the apartment. And then we switch. (It's called "nesting" which is short for "something done by parents who can't live with each other but can't bear to make their children move"). It's been a great transition for the kids but frankly it's been a royal pain in the ass for me. I lug all my business and personal stuff back and forth every week. Despite the difficulty, I've been avoiding doing some things that will help us get our condo on the market and I haven't even started to look for my own apartment. So I asked my heart what was up with that. And then I did the math. I've lived with my husband for seventeen years. That's almost half my life. Before that, I was on my own for only a few years because before that I lived at home or with roommates or in a sorority or a dorm. So in my entire life, I only lived alone for a few years. That's it. Now I'll be responsible for my own housing. Picking the right place, decorating it, taking care of it. For some people that's probably exciting. I thought it would be exciting for me, too but it's not. It's honestly terrifying. But until I really sat with my procrastination and anxiety and asked my heart about it, I had no idea what was going on. (You probably can't imagine what a wimp I feel like right now. I mean, what is the big deal? Eighteen year olds barely out of high school are able to get themselves into apartments. What the hell is up with me?).

I wish I could say that in all this I came up with some solutions to getting past my fear that I could share with you. But I didn't. Not yet, anyway. As with my habit of over-apologizing, knowing is half the battle. Now that I know about my fear and know that at least some of it comes from my reactionary, fraidy-pants lizard brain, maybe I can manage it better and move forward. I've found that once I accept the fact that I'm afraid about something, the fear isn't as intense anymore. Our fear is there to protect us so if we don't pay attention to it, our fear will get more and more intense until we do pay attention.

So, Fear, I hear you. I get that you're afraid I'll die if I'm all alone (and I promise I'm not laughing at that feeling even though you have to admit it's kind of funny). And I understand that you're afraid I won't be able to handle all the things that go into living alone - what with my ADD and bad habit of avoiding paperwork and other boring yet important things. But I promise you I'll be ok. Really I will. It would be fantastic if you could go over and talk to Procrastination about all this and maybe the two of you could give me a break for a little while so I can get some stuff done. Maybe you two can take a vacation somewhere nice? Stay as long as you like. Alrighty then. Are we cool? Cool. Glad we had this talk.

I love a good challenge

Here's a secret about me - I have a really hard time not taking a dare. It probably won't come as a surprise to anyone why I've kept that close to the vest. Maybe someday I'll write about the trouble that particular personality quirk has gotten me into. A similar and somewhat less troublesome quirk of mine is that I love a challenge. So when LaVonne over at The Complete Flake tossed out a challenge to me the other day, I took it.

I was whining about not writing as much as I wanted to and she told me to write 2500 words a day. It had worked for her in the past so I figured it was worth a shot. So I did it last night and managed to finish a post I had wanted to write for a few days. When I told her that I had taken her challenge, she was inspired to take her own challenge. So tonight we were twittering about it and she decided to issue her challenge to all her readers - write 2500 words a day. About anything. About nothing. About whatever comes to mind. Trick your inner perfectionist into letting you write without editing. I've done it two days in a row and so far so good. (I already did my 2500 words tonight and this post is IN ADDITION. I am a writing rock star right now.)

If you want to jump start your writing or take it to a higher level, feel free to join us. Comment here or over at Complete Flake or tweet using #2500 and let us know you're in. And then tell us how it's going. I can't wait to see what happens!

No apologies, no excuses

The past two weekends I've had unusual conversations with near strangers. Two different people (both happened to be younger men which may or may not be relevant) told me that I should stop apologizing for myself so much. Hmmm. I kind of knew I had this problem - it's been mentioned before. But instead of getting better it has apparently gotten worse because it's now obvious enough that people who have just met me think it's worth mentioning. Hmmm again. (I have to say that both of these guys were very sweet and truly were trying to help me. They weren't being mean or anything and I totally appreciate their willingness to be honest with me about their perceptions.)

I could give you a bunch of reasons why I apologize a lot. But it would really sound like I’m making excuses. And I would be, sort of. I first started over-apologizing because I felt like I had no choice. Now that I actually have a choice, why am I still doing it? Habit. It’s a really bad habit. But it must also be doing something for me or I would stop at this point. I mean, it’s embarrassing to have people tell me to stop it. I know that it’s self-defeating and I think that's exactly the "benefit" I get from it.

If I put myself out there and fail, that would hurt. But if I only kind of, sort of put myself out there but tell people upfront how lame I am anyway and THEN I fail, it won’t hurt as much. Because I've already prepared myself to fail. If I make excuses upfront, I also don't have to worry that people think I'm full of myself. I don't want people to think that I think that I'm better than I really am. I want to make people feel comfortable with me. I don't want people to feel threatened by me. I've been told that I can be . . . overwhelming (mostly by men which may or may not be relevant). (And just where do I get off trying to control how other people feel about me. Hmmm yet again. But I think that's something to consider in another post.)

One of the worst things about this habit is that if I do happen to succeed even though I wasn't doing my best, then I don’t give myself any credit for succeeding. I chalk it up to being lucky. So even if I win, I lose. And that sucks.

Now that I know why I do it, how do I stop? I've taken the first step – recognized and accepted that I have a problem. Like any other bad habit, it will take some amount of willpower to stop. The problem is that I've never been known for my willpower. Basically, I don’t like being told I can’t do something – even if that something is a self-defeating behavior. I hate when people say this but seriously, I need to put on my big girl pants and get over it. It’s one thing to rebel against my parents and a controlling husband. But to rebel against myself with something that’s in my own best interest? Ridiculous already.

So . . .
Step one: Recognize the problem. (Check.)
Step two: Grow up. Stop apologizing and stop making excuses. (Working on it.)
Step three: Be kind to myself when I fall off the no apologies/no excuses wagon. (That I think I can do.)

Are you holding yourself back in some way? What do you get out of holding yourself back? What do you do to get out of your own way? I'm wide open to suggestions!

(By the way, I want to mention that LaVonne Ellis over at The Complete Flake helped me get this post done without really meaning to. First she wrote an awesome post about how we resist going for our dreams. And then she told me that if I want to write, I really should try writing at least 2500 words every day. So I started today (2513 words!) and this post was born as part of that. Thanks LaVonne!)

Wherein I convince myself that I am not a snake oil salesman even if I'm afraid my Not Right People might think I am

I feel like I've been totally unproductive today when, in fact, I've actually been fairly productive. I didn't do the things I promised myself that I would do (like work that I actually get paid real money to do right now and cleaning the house but *yuck* who likes to do that?) and that's why I feel like I wasn't productive at all. What I did do is this. I wrote an article (it's short and it's on Facebook but I can still call it an article, right?) about essential oils and why I like them and want to sell them to all my friends. (I would totally give them away to my friends but I'm not Warren Buffett or Steve Jobs so I have to make a living and that's ok, right? Right.)

And there's the real problem. The fact that I felt like I even had to ask the question of whether it's ok to make money selling essential oils to people. I am so not a "salesperson." When I even think about that term, that job, it brings up all kinds of icky feelings. And selling essential oils . . . does the term "snake oil salesman" come to mind? Of course it does. Which makes the icky feelings much worse.

I really believe in the power of essential oils to make us happier and healthier. I use them myself and although I'm pretty new to all this, I can already feel the benefits. I know (kind of like spiritual knowing and not book-knowledge, hard science knowing) that lots of people would be healthier and happier if they used more natural products and less chemical-laden crap. I have a burning desire to help people get there. But translating that burning desire into getting myself to do stuff that would actually sell products to people is really, really hard because of the aforementioned "snake oil salesman" icky feeling.

This is all tied into some of my issues with charging for my services as a healer. I think about people like Mother Teresa dedicating her life to healing the sick without getting paid. And even though I'm certainly no saint, I start to feel bad about charging for something that everyone should have access to. I know that's being way too hard on myself. There's nothing wrong with getting paid for my services. I'll be donating my time and money to charity as I see fit and can afford. That's what most people do. Why is it that I think it's ok for everyone else but not for me?

It was hard for me to write that Facebook article today. It took a lot longer than it might seem given the lack of length and wordiness. It was mainly because my first couple of drafts felt too salesy. And I just couldn't hit the Publish button. So I took a break, goofed around and came back to it. I made it, hopefully, more educational and more personal. Instead of having the link to my website at the top of the article, I put it at the end. Maybe it seems a bit defensive that way - as if I'm embarrassed about asking people to check out the website. Which I am, a little. But I want people to know that I'm not just pushing a product to make a buck. I believe in the product. I believe in the company that makes the product. I want to talk to people about a problem they might have (in this case, the over use of anti-bacterial soaps) and how my product can help them solve that problem. When I think about it that way, I don't feel so icky about it.

I think the bottom line here is that I need to get my message out to my Right People. Those people won't think I'm a snake oil salesman. My Right People are interested in better health for themselves and the planet. My Right People are ok with spending a little more money to get something that is pure, natural and healthy. My Right People understand the benefits of Reiki and other forms of energy healing. And they want to support me in my little business because they think what I'm doing is cool. So here's the thing - I'm asking the universe to help me find those Right People. I'll put myself out there which is scary and hard. But I'm doing it because I know that my Right People are out there somewhere and if I don't put myself and my message out in the world, they'll never find me. And that would be far worse than having a few people -my Not Right People - think I'm an icky snake oil salesman.

Learning to fly the plane while it's in the air (or practicing what Johnny & Lee preach)

This whole starting my own business thing is freaking me out a little. More than a little. I'm not much of a risk taker by nature. I suck at downhill skiing because I stay on the baby hills. I hate roller coasters. I've never been camping. When I go on vacation, I tend to visit places that have spas. I admit it, I like comfort. I like safety. It makes me feel . . . comfortable and safe. But starting a business - not comfortable or safe. And even though I know deep down that this is the right thing, that this is good for me, I'm still freaking the hell out.

Last month I organized the corporate entity for my company. Got my level 2 Reiki certification. Got my domain name and all that blah, blah, blah (but no website yet . . .). And then. Nothing much. I've been procrastinating. Finding other things to do. Not getting all my documents done. Not moving forward. Even my metaphor of assembling my trampoline wasn't working for me.

Some of the other things I found to do involved spending money on a few programs that some of my readers will be familiar with (so far, money well spent). First is Danielle LaPorte's FireStarter series which just came today (yay!) so I don't have enough experience with it to talk about it . . .yet. But then I signed up for Johnny Truant and Lee Stranahan's Punk Rock Question the Rules series. (If you're so inclined, you can click on this affiliate link right HERE and I'll get a little somethin' somethin' if you buy it but you can also buy it from Johnny and Lee directly or not at all if it's not your thing. So far it kicks ass.) I started listening to it yesterday and today I applied the first lesson I learned from them. It's ok to learn to fly the plane when it's already in the air. Scary? Yes.

There are times when I feel perfectly comfortable flying by the seat of my pants. (What's with all the flying metaphors today?) In law school I deliberately did NOT read the cases for one elective class the entire time just so I could see if I could wing it in class and still participate intelligently (ok, sometimes I skimmed them but never read them all the way through or took notes or anything). Damn if I didn't get an A in that class. What did that teach me? That I'm pretty good at bullshit. I can kind of make stuff up and make it sound good as long as I have a decent grounding in the basics. But in that case, I didn't really care all that much what the outcome was. It was an elective. It was my last semester and I already had a job waiting. I knew I'd be ok so it wasn't as big a risk as it sounds. Also, it was fun.

But now the stakes are higher. I have two kids I need to support. My chances of getting another job as a lawyer aren't real high (partly because I really, really don't want to do it anymore). I don't have a big pile of money saved up (most of it went to divorce lawyers and living expenses for a year without a job). There's not much of a safety net here. I care a lot about the outcome - as much as I'm trying to let go and trust in the universe, I want things to work out well.

So I've been a bit stuck until yesterday. A week or so ago I had gone to an Argo Tea near my apartment and tossed my business card into a container trying to win something free. Then I forgot about it. So yesterday I get an email from the manager telling me I didn't win the free whatever. BUT she told me that Argo Tea partners with other businesses in the community that share the same goals of wellness and sustainability (who knew?) and she asked if I would like to come over there one day and speak to their guests about Reiki. Oh.my.god. Does the universe deliver, or what? So my first thought is Yay! Rapidly followed by Shit! I don't have brochures or anything prepared for a presentation! My website isn't up yet even though it's already on my business cards! I'm so unprofessional! I haven't had any paying clients yet, who will take me seriously! SHIT! Then I took a deep breath and remembered: Sometimes you have to learn to fly the plane while it's in the air. And that's ok.

Today I got hosting for my website and then pulled together something that is pretty crappy but is at least something better than random ads for GoDaddy products. You can look at it here. If you want to. But remember that I know it sucks and don't be too hard on me because I'm not a web designer and I have no idea what I'm doing. So I was TERRIFIED to push the Publish button because it's not exactly what I want. But it's what I can do right now and I need to just keep moving forward and it will eventually be a beautiful website with pictures and links and information and a blog and hopefully you will all LOVE it and send it linky love. But for now, it's just a baby website. That needed to be published because I need to learn to be scared shitless but do it anyway. Learning to fly the plane while it's in the air allows you to get started without waiting until every little detail is in place. Because if I waited for that, I would never get anything done with this business.

The other day my daughter brought home a quiz where she had gotten one multiple choice question wrong. It was a vocab word and she didn't know what it meant so she didn't put anything down. When I asked her why she didn't guess, she said she had no idea what the answer was so she didn't feel right guessing. I explained to her that with 4 possible answers, she had a 25% chance of getting it right if she guessed but 0% chance of getting it right by putting nothing. I know it isn't a perfect analogy but it kind of applies to what's going on with me. So my first website isn't the perfect website. But it's there and it looks a heck of a lot better than the GoDaddy ads with half naked women that were there before. My first presentation won't be perfect either and that's ok. I'll learn from it and get better next time. But if I don't try, if I don't put myself out there, I have 0% chance of being successful. And I don't like those odds.