How my left pinky taught me a lesson in humility

So, hi. I know it's been awhile but I'm busy with school and stuff and haven't really taken the time to write. Sorry. Hopefully I'll be back soon with more regular posts. But I learned something today that I felt like sharing.

Yesterday was my first day of Sports Massage technique class. Which is a lot more physically demanding than I thought it would be. I've had two weeks off school and I'm a little out of practice with some techniques. Not surprisingly, I overdid it a bit during class and when I woke up this morning the knuckle of my left pinky was sore. (I have no idea why that was the only sore knuckle I had. It's a bit odd but it is what it is.) I immediately figured that what it need was a good massage. And some movement. Movement is good for joints, right? So I spent a bunch of time this morning massaging my hand and really working that joint. Instead of helping it feel better, the massage and movement made it worse. I was in so much pain by the afternoon that I could barely sit through my Physiology lecture. And I love physiology! (I mean, what's not to love? Cell metabolism? The inner workings of the lymphatic system? Totally cool stuff).

When I got home and finally got an ice pack on it, I thought about how, despite my good intentions, I made a mess of things. And then it hit me - just because I'm a massage therapist (in training), doesn't mean that every ailment that crosses my path can be helped by massage. There are some things, like a sore pinky, that just need to be left alone for awhile. To rest. In my desire to "help," I lost sight of my limits. I'm just thanking my lucky stars that I learned this lesson without hurting anyone but myself.

Our bodies have an incredible ability to heal themselves - if we will just get out of their way and stop expecting too much of them. Sometimes when we have a minor injury or we're feeling not quite right, we don't necessarily need a doctor or a medication. We need to stop doing what injured us in the first place. We need to slow down and let our bodies rest. We need to stop interfering by trying to "make" ourselves feel better - no matter how good our intentions may be. Sometimes what we really need is to "do" nothing and let things be.

This is an especially important lesson for "healers" (I put that in quotes because I don't think I heal anyone, I just facilitate their own healing but "healing facilitator" just sounds silly and clinical. So anyway . , ,). We want to help our clients (and families and friends and random people around the world) to feel better. That's why we became healers, because we're helpers at heart. Which is why it can be hard for us to acknowledge that there may be times when we can't (or shouldn't) try to help. There are times when our clients just have to get themselves through a certain phase on their own. Their current problems may be above our pay grade. We may not be the right healer for them. (My friend, clairvoyant healer Debra Taitel, wrote a great post on this issue.)

The bottom line for me is that I have to learn to let things just be without meddling all the time. I have to learn that sometimes nothing is better than something. And even little pinky fingers have something to teach us.

Blog, interrupted

I didn't intend to take such a long sabbatical from blogging. It kind of just happened when I stopped writing over the 4th of July holiday and then didn't start again until now, six weeks later. I have a good excuse handy. I started massage therapy school right after the holiday. There's a fair bit of homework and all that. And I'm still working part-time as a lawyer. And I'm a mom. So I'm busy, busy, busy. So, yeah. Sounds good right? Well, it's bullshit. I mean it's true - I'm busy. But it's bullshit that I didn't have time to write. The fact is, I couldn't. Or wouldn't. Or whatever.

I had a bit of a . . . thing . . . with my family over the holiday and it knocked me way off center. Holidays are hard for me generally. Try as I might, I can't seem to get rid of my high expectations for holiday cheer. Even though I've never, ever had a Norman Rockwell family experience, there's a part of me that holds onto the hope that my family can be that loving "together" family of my dreams. Ever since the "thing" on July 3rd (which dashed my holiday hopes yet again) I've been struggling to write. I needed to write about my family but I didn't want to. But I couldn't write about anything else either. When you try to ignore the elephant in the room, it just keeps getting bigger until you can't see or even think about anything else.

So why don't I want to write about the "thing" with my family? Because I keep hoping that I can somehow make this blog non-anonymous. It's not really anonymous now, most of my readers know my real name. Hell, most of you are Facebook friends. But most of my off-line friends and family don't really know about it. Not that I would be upset if they stumbled on it but I'm hesitant to write personal stuff about my family and then make the blog more public to people who know them. On the other hand, pretty much everyone who knows me knows at least part of the story. So f**k it.

I was estranged from my dad and my brothers and pretty much most of my family for the past 12 years. Part of it had to do with my family not getting along with my husband and my feeling that I had to choose between them. (I was 7 months pregnant with my first child when we had a big falling out. I chose my husband.) Part of it had to do with everyone being stubborn and no one wanting to admit that they were wrong. For the record - and I've said this to everyone involved - I take responsibility for my own part in the whole mess. Also for the record, no one else in my family has been willing to do the same. But whatever. Life is too short. I'm willing to let it all go and just start fresh. I thought everyone else could do the same.

To the extent that I ever thought about it during those 12 years, I guess I saw myself as a puzzle piece lost under the couch. Once I was "found" I could just fit back into my very own tailor-made spot. But life isn't that neat and orderly. The puzzle changed. I changed. And I don't fit so neatly into the slot I once occupied. I missed a lot of stuff that went on so I wasn't there for various people in my family during some tough times. There are hard feelings. (Never mind that they weren't there for me during my hard times. But, like I said, whatever.)

What happened on the 3rd of July is kind of silly, in retrospect. My kids and I were supposed to go to my dad's and hang out with family. But some of my family members were going through another one of their tough times. And they only wanted "immediate family" around. I'm no longer considered immediate family so my kids and I were uninvited. I was disappointed. And really, really, really hurt. My kids couldn't have cared less. So that's good. I guess.

After six weeks of reflection I'm able to see that this has very little to do with me and a lot to do with them. I can sort of look at it objectively. Sort of. Here's what I've learned:

• You can go home again. But you can't expect it to be as if you never left in the first place.
• I've done the right thing - for myself - in forgiving them even if they can't forgive me. Life is too f**king short to hold grudges.
• If the family you were born into doesn't fill your needs, build one that does. Surround yourself with supportive friends who love you unconditionally. If you look, you'll find them.
• No matter how hard you try to stay grounded, something will come along to knock you off your feet. The key is to get back up and find a way to get grounded again.

So it has taken me awhile to regain my footing, so to speak. But I'm back and feeling stronger, and happier, than ever. Now that I've gotten the elephant out of the room, maybe I'll even start writing regularly again. Not many things would make me happier.

Multislacking (or why I love Twitter)

Here's what I asked Twitter today - If I procrastinate on more than one thing at a time, do I get extra points? My favorite answer was from @SquiggleJay - she said "Multislacking". I immediately started following her because that's awesome. (She says she probably heard that term somewhere so I don't know who coined it. If you know who coined it, tell them thanks from me!)

Anyway, a new competitive sport is born. Seriously, I think I could turn Multislacking into a national pastime rivaling baseball. (Mainly because I think baseball is boring unless you're in the bleachers at Wrigley drinking bad beer). I can't tell you how many people are into this sport and probably don't even know it yet.

Fact is, I'm a serial committer - meaning that I commit to a lot of things but I have a problem with follow through because I'm also a Multislacker. I am so good at procrastinating that I can procrastinate on several things at once. And the more things I commit myself to do, the more things I can procrastinate at any given time. I would totally win the Stanley Cup of Multislacking if we had one.

I'm a little concerned that this sport may not be very healthy. It's kind of like rugby only it probably doesn't involve serious physical injury. It could involve incurring financial penalties and a significant rise in the divorce rate. But that didn't stop horse racing did it?

There are just so many things that need to be done that I really dislike doing. And many of them would otherwise interfere with things I love, like long mid-week lunches with friends and movie watching. What's a girl to do?

As much as I'd love to stay at the top of my game, greats in all sports have to scale back or retire at some point. I think it's time for me to break out the kitchen timer and go back to my modified Flylady program that worked for me in the past. The basic premise is that you can do anything for 15 minutes. Pick a project, set a timer and go for it. Flylady has lots of other strategies for recovering Multislackers, too.

I struggle with this because I really don't want to change my essential nature - spontaneous, passionate, fun-loving, creative. And, like other creatives, I fear that any kind of structure will kill my buzz. I think that all my years being a lawyer and trying to live a life that didn't fit makes me extra sensitive to this issue. But I also know that I have to be a grown up and we all have to spend some time doing stuff that isn't fun just because it's a part of life. And also learning to delay gratification is a good thing. Sometimes. (And for a REALLY funny take on this, you have to read Hyperbole and a Half).

Yesterday was a 24-hour procrastination fest. (But I do feel rejuvenated today so maybe that's the silver lining). One of the things I procrastinated on was the Consciousness Cleanse. I kind of did Days 8 and 9 but didn't really have anything interesting to write about them. Like some of the first few days, there just wasn't anything new there for me. Day 8 was the Power of Liberation. (Been there, done that. Liberated from my job and my marriage. Can't get much more liberated . . .). Day 9 was the Power of Responsibility which is where you take responsibility for taking care of yourself. I guess it's relevant to what's going on with me right now. My struggle between needing to be an adult and not wanting to act like a grown up. I'm feeling like this consciousness cleanse might have been more useful to me a year ago.

So today is Day 10 - The Power of Humility. I guess calling myself the Queen of the Multislackers on Twitter this morning wasn't very humble. Sorry. Actually, this day is about realizing that it takes a village. Not only to raise kids. But to really take care of ourselves. We're so afraid to be vulnerable, to admit we don't know everything, that we put up a wall that cuts us off from connection to other people. We need to let our defenses down and let other people in so they can support us on our journey. I clearly used to have that problem, not sure I do anymore. Just in case this isn't already abundantly clear - I hereby admit that I don't know everything and I need all the help I can get. And we already know how much I crave connection. So I think I have this day covered.

Now I am off to an Abundance Meditation workshop led by my friend Debbie Taitel who is awesome. She's part of the growing clan that is supporting me on my journey. Go read her blog and follow her on Twitter @spiritlightmuse.

It's about connection! Now what?

I know I'm supposed to be writing about the Consciousness Cleanse that I'm doing and I'm two days behind but I'll get to it, maybe later today. Maybe not. But in the meantime I just had an epiphany walking home from the grocery store listening to Amazing by One EskimO. (Which is really an amazing song. Seriously.) The epiphany is this: It's about connecting to other people! That's it.

For some of you, this may not seem like an earth-shattering epiphany but for me it was and this is why. I'm really independent. Have been since I was a kid [insert sob story about divorced parents, blah, blah]. I had to do a lot of things on my own so I got used to being alone. And sometimes I actually do need to be alone in order to recharge. But really, deep down in places I don't talk about at parties (well, maybe I do), I'm a people person. I need to be around other people. Actually, it's more than that - I need to connect with other people. So it isn't enough to just go out and walk around the city surrounded by other human beings. I need to connect on a personal level.

This is related to my recent realization that I'm afraid that I'll spend the rest of my life alone. It's not that I can't live by myself or go out to dinner alone. It's not that I'm afraid of supporting myself (although if anyone wants to apply for the job of Sugar Daddy, the position is wide open). I'm just figuring out that I have a deep-seated need to share my life - my day-to-day existence - with other people.

It isn't necessarily that I need to get married again or even have a serious romantic relationship - although that would be great. But without a "partner" of some sort, it means I have to work harder to get that connection I need. That's probably one of the reasons I waited so long to get divorced. An unhealthy connection is still a connection. Having someone to come home to, even if all you want to do is avoid them, is still easier (I didn't say better) than having to do the work of finding someone else to spend time with (or ignore, I guess). I never said it was a good reason to put off getting divorced . . .

I would probably be really happy living in a commune. Assuming the other people living there didn't annoy me too much with New Age music and assuming I wouldn't get kicked out for wanting to keep my one pair of Jimmy Choo's. But if I could find the right tribe of people to live with, I'd be great.

The wonderful thing about my new career path of being a massage/Reiki therapist is that when I am working, I can't help but connect with people. Being a healer allows me to use my hands, heart, mind and spirit to work. Being a lawyer - I used my mind (and my hands if you count drafting boring documents using my hands). When I was working at a company, I was in meetings all the time. Most people hate meetings. I hated some of them - when they were pointless and boring. But mainly, I loved that part of my job and now I know why. It was the part of my job that involved connecting to other people. Helping them get stuff done. Helping them work through issues. That's what I love to do.

But right now I'm spending a lot of time alone, writing and trying to set up an online business. So how do I deal with it? Two words: Facebook and Twitter. Isn't the Internet wonderful? On Facebook, I've reconnected with all kinds of new and old friends, near and far. I connect with all kinds of people - sometimes on a deeper level than some in-person relationships - on the Internet. Just a few of my relatively new Internet friends are Gina, Miss Mandie, LaVonne, Peggie, Jesse, Kevin and Tony. These are real people who could totally call me up if they were in Chicago and I would drop everything to meet them for coffee. I might even consider donating a kidney if one of them needed it. Or maybe just offer to edit their eBooks. But I've never met them "in real life" and it doesn't matter. They're just as much friends as many of my other "real life" friends are. Which is why I spend way, way more time on Twitter and Facebook than I really should.

The really important thing this epiphany does is shine the light on the things I do when I get lonely. And I get lonely a lot these days when I don't have custody of my kids and I haven't made the effort to get together with friends. What I end up doing when I'm lonely is eating crap and messing around on the Internet. And it never seems to fill me up because "you can never get enough of the things you don't need." (I don't know who coined this phrase but it's a good one). The point is - as much as I love my tortilla chips, if I'm eating them to assuage the loneliness, I'll never stop eating them. I will never be able to get enough because they will never get rid of the loneliness. The only thing that gets rid of the loneliness is connecting. What do I do when it's late at night, none of my friends are on Twitter or Facebook and I start feeling the need for connection now that I know I shouldn't grab the chips (or start playing computer games)?

I don't know. I guess we'll see tonight. (I really, really wish I had a good answer for this - maybe someday soon I will).

The power of forgiveness and releasing resentment

Today's Consciousness Cleanse is about forgiveness. Debbie Ford says that forgiveness involves "releasing the invisible ties to those who have left you, betrayed you, disappointed you or hurt you" and that if you don't "cut the cords of resentment you continue to be imprisoned by" those people and situations you've presumably been trying to get away from. Hmm, that sounds familiar. I wrote recently about being connected energetically to old, unhealthy relationships and how important it is to cut those cords in order to be truly free. My post was mainly about ex-spouses/lovers but the same principle applies to all old relationships where you were hurt in some way.

One place where this kind of forgiveness and detachment might be useful is with our parents. In some ways, it's easy to detach from an old relationship with someone who isn't around us anymore - like an ex-spouse. Out of sight, out of mind does work in many cases. But what if you still have a relationship with someone who has hurt you or disappointed you? Unless you had really exceptional parents they probably did both at one time or another. No matter how much you love your Mom and Dad, you may find that you're carrying some sort of resentment towards them for something. Unless you release that resentment it has a negative effect on you. It poisons you, your relationship with your parents and maybe even your relationship with your own kids or spouse.

For the longest time, my Mom could get a rise out of me for what seemed like the littlest things. She would make some random comment and I would fly off the handle and get angry. She'd get defensive, I'd get angrier and our relationship suffered. I didn't realize until fairly recently that I was holding a tremendous amount of resentment towards her for things I thought I had long forgotten. But the truth was that although I may have (for the most part) forgotten things, I hadn't forgiven her. That's why I would jump to anger with seemingly little provocation.

Some of the things I was still pissed about were really small. Like the fact that she "wasn't available" to come with me to buy a prom dress until my step-mom offered to go with me. Then she was suddenly available. Seriously, I was still pissed about that 25 years later. Some of the things were pretty big like the fact that when she and my Dad got divorced she moved out of the house while my brothers and I were away at summer camp. Even though we knew she was leaving, it was pretty crappy of her to do it that way. It took me over 20 years to realize that I was angry about it and another 10 or so years to have the courage to actually tell her that I was angry about it. Looking back I feel silly for having held onto that resentment for so long. It was poison for me and everyone around me. And there was no reason for it. When I finally told my Mom that I was upset about those things - big and small - she apologized. I know she was doing the best she could at the time. I still think what she did was wrong. But I forgive her. No amount of telling myself that I shouldn't be angry for what happened so long ago could ever set me free. It wasn't until I accepted the fact that I was angry and truly forgave her that I could be free of the resentment and its effect on my life.

You may be in a situation where you can't talk to the person who has hurt you. Your parents may have passed away. It may be dangerous to talk to an abusive ex. The Cleanse for today recommends that we write a letter detailing all of the pain and hurt we've experienced and in the letter ask our highest selves for release from the prison of resentment. I think that's a great idea for situations where you can't actually confront the person who has hurt you.

If you're not comfortable writing things down or it just doesn't work for you, you can achieve the release another way. Try sitting quietly, with one hand on your heart and one hand on your lower abdomen. Tell yourself your story of hurt and pain as if you were telling a good friend. You can do it out loud or silently, whatever you're comfortable with. I don't think you have to dig deep into the details unless you want to and feel ok doing so. Talk about why you were hurt or disappointed. Don't let your internal critic tell you that your feelings aren't valid! Your internal critic is an idiot - never forget that. Don't judge your feelings - it won't make them go away and it won't help you heal anyway. When you're done with your story, tell yourself "I'm sorry you were so hurt. But it's ok. It's over now. You can let it go. You don't need to carry the hurt anymore." Or you can simply say "I accept that [this thing] happened. I accept and acknowledge my hurt and anger. I now release all resentment, anger and hurt feelings from [this thing]."

Remember that you can forgive someone without telling them (or yourself) that what they did was ok. Forgiveness is the simple act of letting go of the anger and hurt and sadness that is attached to whatever or whoever hurt you. For really big stuff, you may need to do this exercise more than once or twice. There's no magic pill to make these toxic feelings go away - there's only acceptance and release. And however long it takes you to get there is perfectly fine. The important thing is to keep working at it a little at a time.

My Mom recently said to me (right after I signed up for massage school), "You know there's probably lots more jobs for lawyers than there are for massage therapists." That's the kind of thing that would have sent me into a tizzy before. Partly because she was totally and completely wrong. But really because she wasn't supporting me in my attempt to make a happier life for myself. She was being selfish because she liked saying "My daughter, the lawyer" and didn't want to have a daughter who was "just" a massage therapist. She was the one with money issues, not me. And on and on. But none of that came up for me in the moment. Instead, I smiled and hugged her and said "I know you're worried about my financial well-being and I love you for that. But I don't want you to worry. I just want you to be happy for me."

That's when I knew that the resentment was gone for good.

How my devil and my angel make me crazy and what I'm doing about it

I've been keeping up with the 2500 word per day challenge and I have to say, some weird stuff seems to be coming out as I pour out enough words to get to the daily goal. I write as if I'm journaling so it's mostly stream of consciousness with a little bit of editing.

Yesterday I had a whole conversation with myself about my life. I would post it but it's really embarrassing. But one of the things I discussed with myself is the fact that I want to be a fun person. And to be a fun person, I have to do fun things. I'm usually up for stuff if someone else makes the plans but that's kind of a problem now that I'm divorced from the person who used to make the fun plans. So I reminded myself that if I want something in my life, I'm responsible for figuring out how to make it happen. So thanks to myself (with a little nudging from a friend), I rented a guitar today. I have two months to try it out and decide if I want to continue learning. At that point I'll either buy a guitar or move on to my next hobby (or back to one of the million hobbies I've already started).

Today I started writing about why I sometimes feel like I have multiple personalities. For a long time, I've felt that I have a devil who hangs out on my left shoulder and an angel who hangs out on my right shoulder. The devil isn't evil – just mischievous. When I think back on the times I've gotten myself in trouble, I can usually trace it back to something he said or suggested. He’s the one that dares me to do stuff that my angel thinks is a bad idea. He’s the one that says that everything will be okay while the angel worries about the consequences. Usually I listen to the angel. But not always. Sometimes the devil can convince the angel that something she doesn't want is okay. And sometimes I just tell them to shut up so I can figure out what’s right.

The problem with the devil is that he doesn't really think about other people or the consequences of various things. He thinks of stuff that would be fun or exciting. He wants adventure. But he forgets that I’m a mom. He forgets that I have a job. He likes music and reading and eating and drinking. He likes hanging out with friends and watching movies and tv. He likes being lazy, lazy, lazy. He hates paperwork. He hates cleaning. He hates order and efficiency. Loves chaos and mayhem. He likes to dance like a madman. He’s the one that wants the tattoo.

My angel thinks about other people constantly. She’s the responsible one who pays the bills. And tries hard to get the kids to school on time. She likes it when things are organized and orderly. She completely freaks out when I don’t keep my promises but she’s the one who gets me to over-promise in the first place. Because she wants everyone to love me. She wants me to be a good girl who never lets anyone down. She doesn't want me getting into trouble. Or making trouble. She thinks a tattoo is a horrible idea because some people might not like it. Some people might think it’s silly or weird. People might think I’m not acting my age. Like I said, she wants everyone to love me. Or at least like me. She wants to fit in so badly. My devil doesn't give a rat's ass about that crap.

It's no wonder I feel nuts. Sometimes they yell at each other so loud I can't hear myself think. And sometimes they refuse to speak at all and I feel lost. Lately I've been listening to my devil more often. First of all, he's a lot more fun. But also I'm kind of pissed at my angel because she sort of fucked up my life. If I hadn't listened to her I probably would have gotten out of my marriage sooner. Then again, maybe this is all just a neat trick so that I don't have to take responsibility for my own decisions.

One of the problems is that the devil and the angel each have their own agendas. They aren't always thinking about what's in my long-term best interest. If I listen to one or the other of them too much, my life gets out of balance and I get off track. I think the key for me is to develop a set of values - touchstones - that I can refer to whenever I'm feeling stuck about a decision. The devil and the angel can debate all they want. I can feel better about whatever decision I make if it stands up against my touchstone values.

It isn't that I don't have any values. I do. But I've been so ungrounded (for lack of a better word) for so long that I've lost touch with the core of who I am and who I want to be. When I'm not grounded, I'm almost at the mercy of whoever talks loudest - whether it's my angel, my devil, my kids, my boss or my ex-husband. For years I felt like I was standing chest deep in the ocean, struggling to keep my footing. I was constantly buffeted by the waves with the tide pulling at me. At my lowest, I thought about giving in and floating away - or worse. When I felt strong, I would tread water, fighting to stay in what I hoped was the right spot. I finally feel like I'm on solid ground but still somewhat subject to the wind and shifting sands.

As I was thinking about this, I remembered why I started reading one of my new favorite blogs - Fierce and Mighty. It was this post that hooked me. Specifically, it was this:

"I am the sort of person who believes that in order to have a successful and fulfilling life, it’s important to have a set of principles on which to ground yourself. I think that’s a lot of what helped me through some of my rougher times – that foundation of knowing who I was and who I wanted to be.

I want to be the guy who treats people the way I want to be treated… even if that other person is a douchebag. I want to live with honor. I want to live with integrity. I want to live with determination. I want to never be afraid to risk getting my heart broken because if I hold back, I’ll never get the chance at experiencing great love. I want to live in balance (this one is hard for me). I want to never forget how much of this life is a gift and I should never, ever, EVER take that for granted… because I've seen how life can jump up and kick some amazing people in the teeth without any provocation or sense of it being deserved. Anyone can suffer that fate… so embrace the good and the opportunities you see now."

I'm always impressed with people who know who they are. And knowing your own core values is essential to knowing who you really are. So what are my touchstones? I haven't quite figured that out yet. (I thought about waiting to publish this post until I figured it all out. But that would certainly mean that this post would never get published. And I'd probably stop thinking about my touchstones all together and go back to treading water).

It would be easy for me to just adopt Fierce and Mighty's values as my own - they're great. They sound good and seem like values I "should" live by. But that would be cheating. And really won't get me on solid ground because they won't be mine really. I'll always know that they're his so I'll wonder if I'm applying them right or something. So I'll have to think about it for awhile. Sit in Remembrance and see what my heart says. I know that I'll come up with a few things eventually. And I'll be on my way to solid ground in no time.

What are your Touchstone values? Please share - I could use some ideas!

No apologies, no excuses

The past two weekends I've had unusual conversations with near strangers. Two different people (both happened to be younger men which may or may not be relevant) told me that I should stop apologizing for myself so much. Hmmm. I kind of knew I had this problem - it's been mentioned before. But instead of getting better it has apparently gotten worse because it's now obvious enough that people who have just met me think it's worth mentioning. Hmmm again. (I have to say that both of these guys were very sweet and truly were trying to help me. They weren't being mean or anything and I totally appreciate their willingness to be honest with me about their perceptions.)

I could give you a bunch of reasons why I apologize a lot. But it would really sound like I’m making excuses. And I would be, sort of. I first started over-apologizing because I felt like I had no choice. Now that I actually have a choice, why am I still doing it? Habit. It’s a really bad habit. But it must also be doing something for me or I would stop at this point. I mean, it’s embarrassing to have people tell me to stop it. I know that it’s self-defeating and I think that's exactly the "benefit" I get from it.

If I put myself out there and fail, that would hurt. But if I only kind of, sort of put myself out there but tell people upfront how lame I am anyway and THEN I fail, it won’t hurt as much. Because I've already prepared myself to fail. If I make excuses upfront, I also don't have to worry that people think I'm full of myself. I don't want people to think that I think that I'm better than I really am. I want to make people feel comfortable with me. I don't want people to feel threatened by me. I've been told that I can be . . . overwhelming (mostly by men which may or may not be relevant). (And just where do I get off trying to control how other people feel about me. Hmmm yet again. But I think that's something to consider in another post.)

One of the worst things about this habit is that if I do happen to succeed even though I wasn't doing my best, then I don’t give myself any credit for succeeding. I chalk it up to being lucky. So even if I win, I lose. And that sucks.

Now that I know why I do it, how do I stop? I've taken the first step – recognized and accepted that I have a problem. Like any other bad habit, it will take some amount of willpower to stop. The problem is that I've never been known for my willpower. Basically, I don’t like being told I can’t do something – even if that something is a self-defeating behavior. I hate when people say this but seriously, I need to put on my big girl pants and get over it. It’s one thing to rebel against my parents and a controlling husband. But to rebel against myself with something that’s in my own best interest? Ridiculous already.

So . . .
Step one: Recognize the problem. (Check.)
Step two: Grow up. Stop apologizing and stop making excuses. (Working on it.)
Step three: Be kind to myself when I fall off the no apologies/no excuses wagon. (That I think I can do.)

Are you holding yourself back in some way? What do you get out of holding yourself back? What do you do to get out of your own way? I'm wide open to suggestions!

(By the way, I want to mention that LaVonne Ellis over at The Complete Flake helped me get this post done without really meaning to. First she wrote an awesome post about how we resist going for our dreams. And then she told me that if I want to write, I really should try writing at least 2500 words every day. So I started today (2513 words!) and this post was born as part of that. Thanks LaVonne!)

Still connected to your ex?

I happened to notice my Twitter description the other day and was pleasantly surprised. I hadn't looked at it in a long time - I wrote it about a year ago on a whim. It says: Turning life crises into growth and opportunities for positive change. When I wrote it, I was talking about myself. I was trying to turn my own crises into something good - still am. What struck me, though, is how much it sounds like an "elevator speech". That's the short description of what you do that you have prepared for times when you only have an elevator ride's worth of time to tell someone what you do. A friend has been telling me for weeks that I need an elevator speech. I didn't realize that I already have one in my Twitter description.

You might wonder what this has to do with Reiki healing and massage therapy which is what I do (now). Short answer: Not much. Or, everything. Or really - I don't know. Because my path is still unfolding and nothing seems to happen to me in a logical way, I'm not exactly sure what it means. I know it means something. I know that my path has something to do with helping people do what I'm trying to do for myself - turn the crap in their lives into compost and grow a beautiful garden. (Thanks Gina).

I've realized that people in transition seem to be coming into my life lately and talking to me about their lives. (Which is awesome.) Maybe it's that my honesty about my own situation makes people feel comfortable talking to me about their struggles. Maybe I've somehow advertised on the Universe's equivalent of Craig's List that I'm open for business and here to help people work through various life crises. I'm not sure. Whatever the reason, I've been talking to people about their relationships. More specifically, the end (or near end) of relationships and how hard it is.

I think we all understand that ending a serious love relationship is emotionally painful. We may not know just how emotionally painful it is until we're going through it but we expect that kind of pain. What we don't necessarily expect is the physical pain. And most people don't understand the hit their "energetic body" takes when a relationship ends.

Sorry - I hate to use "woo woo speak" but I couldn't think of another way to say it . . . what I mean by "energetic body" is this: we're all made of energy. To way oversimplify it - when you break us down to our smallest parts, past the cells and beyond the molecules that make up the cells, you get energy. Not only are we made up of energy, we're affected by energy - especially the energy of other people. Especially, especially the energy of other people that we love.

When we start a relationship, we connect to our significant other energetically. I "feel" that connection like a cord coming from the center of the chest. At the beginning of a relationship, the cord is thin but as the relationship grows, the cord grows with it. The more our lives intertwine, the more our "energies" intertwine as well. When a relationship ends, the cord has to detach somehow. We unwind from each other. Untangle our lives. Sever the cord. And it's painful. The problem is, it's a kind of pain we don't expect and we often don't recognize it or worse, we ignore it. We don't deal with it and that leads to problems.

Some people never cut the cord of old relationships so that they're still energetically (and emotionally) connected to their exes years later. A friend mentioned yesterday that her parents - who are in their 80's, have been divorced for over 30 years and are both remarried - still hate each other so much they can't be in the same room. What that says to me is they never actually disconnected from each other. Just because they're legally divorced and physically separated doesn't mean they're emotionally separated. I don't think it's possible to hate someone you aren't somehow attached to emotionally (or energetically). People we aren't attached to simply cannot generate that kind of animosity in us. They might annoy us. Maybe we just don't like them as people. But hate? Being unable to be in the same room for any period of time? That's emotional attachment. Very negative emotional attachment.

Another example - a friend was engaged to be married a few years ago but broke it off. It was a very unhealthy relationship. She's now about to get married to someone else - a man who is much better for her. A man she loves. She's happy. But she hasn't been able to bring herself to tell her ex that she's getting married. They aren't friends - she doesn't talk to him or see him. He sends her messages (sometimes nice but mostly snarky), she doesn't reply. She knows that she shouldn't care about telling him and yet she's agonizing - has been for weeks - over sending him an email. She's still connected to him.

Why do we stay connected to old relationships? Partly because we're afraid of change and addicted to anger and/or victimhood (topics for a later post perhaps). But also because we don't realize how we're still connected and so we don't know how to disconnect. We may think that it's enough to get legally divorced and move out, but it isn't, as the two stories illustrate.

I think that in order to dissolve an energetic connection, we need to do three things: realize, acknowledge and accept that the connection exists, explore whether there are other reasons we're staying connected and consciously work to - gently - cut the cord.

Realize, acknowledge and accept

Remember that "what we resist, persists." If we resist the idea that we're still connected to someone we've divorced, the connection will persist. And we have to accept that the continued connection is ok and understandable. Even bad relationships usually have good components. Or they were good at the beginning. Whatever it is, the relationship served a purpose while it lasted and the connection was created. Just like the first step for an alcoholic to kick the booze habit is acknowledging he has a problem, the first step to separating ourselves from an old relationship is to acknowledge that we're still attached. It's also good to acknowledge and accept the fear that probably surrounds

Consider why you're still connected

There are a lot of reasons we might still be connected to a former love. Some possible reasons are simple. We may be the dumpee rather than the dumper and we're still in love. Some are more complex - we may be the dumper and feel guilty about the dumping. So we stay attached because we feel responsible for hurting the other person and we somehow think that by staying connected to them, we're doing them a favor. It could also be that maintaining the old connection keeps us from making a new connection. I know that seems odd at first blush but think about it. We got hurt in our old relationship so we're probably scared about getting hurt in a new one. If we're still "married" to our past relationship then we're not really available to be fully into the new relationship. If we're not fully in the new relationship, maybe we won't get hurt. If you had children together, to a certain extent you'll always be connected. But maybe the connection is stronger than it needs to be for those purposes.

It's important to consider the reasons why you're still attached. You don't want to start cutting the chord without knowing what it's purpose is. Not to be overly dramatic but that would be kind of like trying to diffuse a bomb by cutting wires willy nilly. The connection serves a purpose, you'll want to understand what that purpose is so you can address it while you're severing the connection.

If the purpose isn't immediately apparent, try to sit quietly and ask yourself the question. If you aren't used to talking to yourself, give it some time. It may take a few tries before you get a coherent answer. Or talk to a friend about it. Sometimes our friends see things in us that they don't want to tell us without being asked. (Be careful which friend you ask. Don't ask a friend who hates the ex. They'll have a hard time being unbiased. And they might make you feel bad for still being attached. What if you don't have any friends who don't hate your ex? Send me a note and I'll talk it through with you. I'm good with stuff like that.)

Cut the cord - gently

This could actually be the easy part. Or the hardest part. It really depends on the reasons for the connection. For some people, just realizing that they're still connected is enough to help them let go. More likely though, it will take some time to dissolve the connection. Especially if it has stuck around for a long time. So be kind to yourself during this process.

Sit comfortably with your eyes closed. Try to picture the connection to your ex. Like I said earlier, I tend to "feel" it (in myself and others) as a cord (or rope or fishing line or even a rainbow) connected at the center of the chest. But yours might be different. (Or I might be hallucinating, you never know.) Focus on your breath, trying not to get sucked into any heavy emotions when you think about your ex. If feelings do come up, acknowledge them and try to let them go. Before you let them go, see if you can figure out where, physically, those feelings are coming from. Picture that area of your body and visualize some kind of cord or rope coming from that area and connecting to your ex. Then try to visualize the connection dissolving - like a rope unraveling or melting or just disappearing. Whatever works and feels right.

Keep in mind that meditation and visualization don't have to be deadly serious all the time. In fact, if you try to have a sense of humor about it, the process is easier. So picture the cord as licorice with you unwinding the strands and feeding them to Munchkin children. Or something. Just don't feel like you have to be all serious. Unless you want to be. Which is fine, too. It's all about you.

Another method comes from Havi's way of dealing with fear. Talk to your connection. Tell it that you understand it's trying to protect you or help you. Let it know that you don't need the protection anymore. Remind it that you aren't responsible for protecting your ex anymore. Ask it what it needs in order to go away and leave you alone forever. Write it some notes. Draw it some pictures. You'll be surprised at what you learn about yourself in the process. You might find out more about the reasons behind the connection and some things you can do to fill those needs in a healthier way. Once those needs are filled or acknowledged, it's easier to disconnect.

There are different ways to approach this task, try a few things and use what feels most comfortable to you. Be nice to yourself and patient during this process. It isn't easy. It isn't always fast. The most important thing is to actually do it - because these old connections are huge energy vampires. They hold us back from being our best and strongest selves.

Riding the rapids

Last week I was having a crisis of faith in my abilities as a healer. And the universe, being the show off that it is, gave me just what I needed soon after I published that post. The next day, I went back to the Reiki training center and attended a free Reiki share given by the head of the center. She gave me the encouragement I needed and reminded me that Reiki is a slow and steady kind of healing. It helps the receiver relax and allow his or her body to heal itself at its own pace and in its own way. Reiki is not an immediate miracle kind of bodywork. Instead, the Reiki practitioner provides gentle and loving energy to her clients allowing the client's bodies to access their natural healing abilities.

Armed with my new found faith and strength of purpose, I spent the next few days agonizing over my next steps. The road block I had set up for myself was a common one - I simply couldn't do anything to start my business as a healer until I had a name for the business. You can't organize a corporate entity without a name. (And, of course, being a lawyer for 15 years I can't allow myself to do business without a corporate entity.) And since all the good company names have been taken, I knew I was doomed.

So I whined to my sister as I drove her to work last week about how I was never going to come up with a name that wasn't cheesy or boring. I meditated and tried to still my monkey brain long enough to receive some divine inspiration. All I came up with were names that were already taken or were just too foofy and out there for me. Finally, in desperation, I decided to do something that self-help gurus always say to do in situations like this (I try really hard not to do anything that gurus say to do. It's my way of rebelling against the "shoulds" I guess). I spent an hour or so brainstorming. Just writing down words that came to me when I thought about what I want to be doing. Nothing. Nada. Zip.

That evening I was walking down the street not thinking about anything in particular when it came to me. It just popped into my head. The name of my company. Maybe I should have listened to myself when I talked about the importance of releasing the tension and not striving so hard. I owe thanks (for this and many other things) to the lovely and talented Deb Owen because it was this post of hers that put the idea for the name in my head.

So I have organized the company, reserved the web domain and even got a blog address at blogger.com (so I can start writing before I get my website set up). And now the real work begins. I feel like I'm shooting the rapids now everything is happening so fast. It's scary! And fun! And terrifying! And exciting! (And it really is amazing how you kind of need money to make money - I just spent hundreds of dollars laying the groundwork for this. Which is good in a weird way. Now I know I have to go out there and get some paying clients. At this point, if I make enough to cover the costs, I'll be ecstatic. And then it will be time to set some bigger goals.

Oh, yeah - I almost forgot. The name of my new baby: True Horizon Healing and Bodywork. Look for more from me and my baby soon!

In search of a miracle

As a lawyer, I'm used to providing a concrete benefit to my clients. My client needs someone to draft an agreement. I draft an agreement. My client pays me. Easy as pie. (Boring as hell, but easy). I'm moving into a totally different realm now and I'm struggling with the fact that, for the most part, my results won't be tangible or measurable.

I think Reiki is great. The few times I've gotten treatments, I've felt the energy flow and I've felt clearer and calmer afterwards. Usually when I give treatments to other people, I feel energy flow. But, based on the feedback I've gotten, they don't always feel anything. I've been told that's normal - some people feel it, some people don't. To be honest, I haven't had as much practice as I'd like. Several friends have offered to be guinea pigs and I should be taking advantage of that to get more practice. But I've been hesitating because there's a part of me that has lost faith that I'm capable of healing. Because I can't "see" any benefits. Even if I don't charge for my services, I'm afraid of feeling like nothing more than a snake oil salesman.

If you read about Reiki on the Internet, it's usually characterized as a stress reduction and relaxation technique. That's the characterization I feel most comfortable with. But there are lots of claims about what Reiki can do to heal various diseases. Claims of miraculous healing. Part of me is disappointed that I haven't been able to miraculously cure myself of my symptoms of withdrawal from anti-depressants. My 12 year old tells me she doesn't like Reiki even though she's never allowed me to give her a full treatment. She says she likes "real" massages. If Reiki was so great, wouldn't she immediately love it? And if she doesn't love it, maybe that means Reiki isn't real or (more likely), that I'm no good at it. But therein lies the rub (I don't even know what that means but my Dad always used to say it and it seems like it fits here) - I'm afraid to even practice on people because I'm afraid I'm not very good at it. But how am I supposed to get good at it, or even get any level of comfort with my skill level, if I don't practice? (And, of course, maybe it doesn't make sense to base my whole career path on one 12 year old person not liking it.)

I was watching re-runs of Top Chef Masters last week. Last season's winner, Rick Bayless, talked about his favorite mole sauce which has like 8 million different ingredients and is really hard to make. He said that it took him 20 years to learn how to make it right. TWENTY YEARS. That's a lot of practice. And maybe at the beginning he even made something that was inedible. But he kept working on it because he wanted to be good at it. He believed in himself enough to keep trying.

While it's good for me to remember that it takes practice and work to get proficient at most skills, I still have to get over the desire for objectively measurable results. Whether or not a mole sauce is good is fairly objective. Whether or not a Reiki practitioner is any good is totally subjective. Helping someone relax and de-stress is a good thing. As a trained Reiki practitioner, I can help people do just that. Whether I can cure cancer remains to be seen. But what I can provide is hopefully enough for a few people to be willing to pay me for my services (once I'm ready for that). I just need to believe in myself enough to charge for my services.

Part of my struggle is that I'm still not sure I look like a healer. A true healer doesn't lose her cool when her kids act like crazy idiots. A true healer would never call her children "crazy idiots" either. When those kinds of things happen (when I act like a living, breathing human), I feel like I should give up and going back to "real" life as a lawyer. But I haven't given up yet because I believe in my soul that I've found my calling. I guess I just thought that once I found my calling, Once I acknowledged it, things would fall into place easily. But maybe the problem is that I haven't quite jumped into the water yet. I'm just dipping my toe in, keeping open my option of running away to safety. I don't quite trust in whatever this energy is that's pushing me down this path towards the water. Maybe it's time I just jumped in.

Defining my calling to find my people

As I've said before, I'm trying to figure out what I want to do for a living now that I've acknowledged (grudgingly) that I'm a grown up. I know that I want to do something that involves not just my head (like being a lawyer), but also my hands, my heart and my spirit. Sort of an all-things-to-all-of-me kind of thing. For the last year I've been moving slowly along this path of finding my calling. Last summer I decided to become a massage therapist. Now that my divorce is just about final, I'm ready to start school (hopefully in July! Yay!) and should have my certificate in a year.

Massage therapy is the base on which I'm going to build my practice as a healer. I figure that, at least at first, I will get a part-time gig as a massage therapist at an alternative health care type place and develop my personal practice during my off time. So far so good. The real issue is my who-who-what and finding my right people (or, more accurately, helping my right people find me). But really, I can't find my right people and I can't fully figure out the who-who until I figure out the what.

Ok, in non-favorite-bloggerspeak, what I mean is that now that I've decided I want to be a healer. I have some other things to think about. The big one is figuring out just what kind of healer I want to be. That's a really big one. And the difficulty is that I'm like a kid in a candy store right about now. Although I have my Reiki Level One certification and I'll get Level Two this month, I'm not sure if that's the direction I want to go. Or the only direction I want to go. There are so so so many different kinds of healing (beyond traditional Western mediciney type stuff) such as (in no particular order): Acupuncture, Acupressure, Ayurveda, Shiatsu, Rolfing, Pranic Healing, Chios Energy Healing, Aromatherapy, Aura-Soma Therapy and Past Life Regression, to name just a few. I'm always picking up books and reading articles and websites about all the different modalities. I love Reiki. I love massage. But it seems like maybe there's something more or different that I'm needing to find.

The other thing I need to think about is what kind of people do I want to help. Even though it might seem counter-intuitive, it makes good business sense to specifically define your target market. I could just hang a shingle, so to speak, and announce that I'm a healer. And then try to heal whoever walks through the door. The problem with that is (as the very smart Mark Silver teaches in his who-who-what article) potential clients won't really know what it is I can do for them. And I won't really know who is a potential client. My right people and I could be passing each other like ships in the night. But if I define my services and the types of people it could help, then it's like sending out a beacon to all my right people and letting them know where to find me.

Although I know this will evolve as I learn more about my skills in this area, my gut instinct is that I can help women in life transition situations - going through a divorce, career change, empty nest. I also think I can help women in abusive relationships. This feels like a tough one for me - for reasons that deserve their own post. (Mostly having to do with whether I have the right to call myself an abused wife since it was mostly "just" emotional abuse. More on that crap another time.)

Part of the impetus for this post was having read Havi's latest brilliant piece of writing in which she says that when you commit to a mission stuff starts to happen. That's the way the universe seems to work. When you put your dreams "out there" and make them concrete, the universe takes the blueprint and starts building. So, with this post, I'm committing to my latest mission: Discovering the kind of healer that I am, the people I'm meant to help and how I'm going to help them.

There you go, Universe - do your stuff. Let me know what I can do to move this thing along the path, ok?

Do I look like a lawyer?

Last week I attended a presentation on diversity in the legal profession and had an interesting conversation with the woman seated next to me. She said that, growing up, she didn't personally know any lawyers. It never occurred to her that she could become a lawyer until a woman - a lawyer - spoke to her high school class about the legal profession. She couldn't picture herself as a lawyer until she had an example she thought she could emulate. Maybe she thought that as a woman she couldn't be a lawyer. Or maybe she thought that she wasn't smart enough. Or tough enough. She had a picture in her mind of what a lawyer was like and it didn't match her picture of herself.

My experience was very different. My father was a lawyer. Many of my friends' parents were lawyers or doctors or "business people." Until I was in high school, I didn't know that not everyone went to college. It was a given that I would go to college - I thought it was a given for everyone else too. I knew - with a certainty that I didn't realize was somewhat rare in the world - that I could become a lawyer. Or a doctor. Or go to business school and do whatever it is that "business people" do (it was never obvious to me as a kid). I went to college and was pre-Med for two years until I realized that I hate hospitals and couldn't stand the higher level science classes I needed to take. It was a big crisis for me. I couldn't be a doctor. I didn't want to be a lawyer. I didn't know what I would do with an MBA. I didn't really see a lot of other choices.

I ended up going to New York and working in the entertainment industry (television commercial production mostly). But after a couple years of struggling in entry level jobs and feeling like I wasn't getting anywhere, I went to law school. Plan B.

It was easy to see myself as a lawyer or doctor. I had so many varied pictures of lawyers and doctors that it was easy to match them to my picture of myself. It was a path for which I had a good road map. I couldn't see myself as a film producer - which is what I really wanted to do at the time. I was scared that I didn't have what it takes to be successful in that business. For me, following that dream meant going without a map and at the time I didn't have the courage to do that.

Now I find myself in a similar predicament to the one I found myself in sophomore year of college. I don't want to be a lawyer anymore. I don't want to be a doctor. I don't really want to be a film producer anymore - it's kind of a thankless job and now that I'm a mom to a pre-teen, I have enough of that. (Although I still have a fantasy about winning an Oscar for Best Picture . . .).

My new dream is to be a healer. I don't really know what a healer looks like and I sure don't have a map for that particular path. I have a picture in my mind of what a healer acts like which is based mostly on assumptions rather than observation of reality. Whenever I don't behave in ways that are congruent with that picture, it makes me question whether I am capable of becoming a healer.

For example, this morning I totally over-reacted when my older daughter got pissy and obnoxious in the way that only 12-year-old girls can. I was over tired. I was anxious and feeling guilty because we were running late - again. I'm going through nicotine and anti-depressant withdrawal. She hurt my feelings. So I blew up. And yelled at her for way too long. And then she yelled at me. And we cried. And she refused to eat breakfast. So I said "You're not going to school until you eat breakfast." She called my bluff. "Fine. Take Meredith to school. I'll stay home." And I yelled at her again.

That is definitely NOT how a healer acts, right? A true healer gets all Zen and stuff. A real healer stays calm and says "Abby, I appreciate that you are exerting your independence but if I wasn't so Zen and stuff, you would have hurt my feelings. Please be nicer next time." Or something like that. A real healer would get enough sleep and would wake up on time with a smile on her face and a spring in her step. No bags under her eyes. No going on Facebook to tend to her farm before she makes breakfast for her kids. A true healer never loses her cool. Right?

Just like doctors and lawyers, I imagine that healers come in all shapes, sizes and degrees of mental stability. I think I need to stop looking for a road map outside of myself and make my own path. I need to look in the mirror and remind myself that I'm looking at a healer. Visualization is a strong tool for achieving dreams but only if it's used in the right way. Until now, my mental pictures have limited me in ways I didn't realize.

In what ways do you let your mental pictures limit you?