Havi has done it again. She inspired me to think in new and unusual ways. And I had another "aha" moment just now reading Visibility. Invisibility. Power. More Pirates. (Can she come up with great post titles, or what?).
Havi says - "The thing I despise contains something I desperately need." She was talking about hackers that had invaded her website recently. She found some traits in those hackers that she felt she needed more of - the ability to be invisible and sneaky in order to protect herself and her website. I thought for a moment about things in my life that I despise and whether there is anything in there that I need for myself.
Of course the first thing that came to mind was my ex. I don't despise him - despite all the ugliness, I still care about him deeply - but I really hate the way he acts. Among other things, he is a very angry person. He's aggressive and uses intimidation to his advantage. He is not afraid to use whatever leverage he has at his disposal to get what he needs or wants.
So what is the good in there that I might need?
I need to be more angry. I haven't been angry enough and as a result, I haven't taken good care of myself and I haven't been the mother I should have been for my girls. Anger isn't bad in and of itself. Anger can be expressed inappropriately. But if it is expressed in a healthy way, it's ok.
I need to be more aggressive in asking for what I need. I've been a wimp in my intimate relationships for way too long. Again, there's a healthy way of being aggressive. I don't have to walk over other people. I don't have to be indifferent to their feelings. But I have to be strong enough to stand up for myself. To express my true feelings.
Part of being aggressive is not being afraid to use the leverage you have. I often feel that using leverage is somehow cheating and being manipulative of other people. But if I'm holding a winning hand, there's no reason I should lay down my cards just because I want the other players to like me.
I've spent too much of my life pretending to be what other people wanted me to be. I'm just coming to realize that inside, I'm a different person than the one I show on the outside. That just confuses me and everyone around me. I have to be true to myself and make good decisions for myself and (as my old therapist used to say), let the chips fall where they may. Other people may disagree with my decisions and I have to accept that. There may be consequences to my decisions that I may not love but if I've been thoughtful about my needs and the path I need to be on, then I can deal with those consequences.
It's a good idea for us to look deeper into the things we dislike about certain situations and about other people. We might find some conflicting emotions and in resolving the conflict, we can learn a lot about ourselves.
