Blog, interrupted

I didn't intend to take such a long sabbatical from blogging. It kind of just happened when I stopped writing over the 4th of July holiday and then didn't start again until now, six weeks later. I have a good excuse handy. I started massage therapy school right after the holiday. There's a fair bit of homework and all that. And I'm still working part-time as a lawyer. And I'm a mom. So I'm busy, busy, busy. So, yeah. Sounds good right? Well, it's bullshit. I mean it's true - I'm busy. But it's bullshit that I didn't have time to write. The fact is, I couldn't. Or wouldn't. Or whatever.

I had a bit of a . . . thing . . . with my family over the holiday and it knocked me way off center. Holidays are hard for me generally. Try as I might, I can't seem to get rid of my high expectations for holiday cheer. Even though I've never, ever had a Norman Rockwell family experience, there's a part of me that holds onto the hope that my family can be that loving "together" family of my dreams. Ever since the "thing" on July 3rd (which dashed my holiday hopes yet again) I've been struggling to write. I needed to write about my family but I didn't want to. But I couldn't write about anything else either. When you try to ignore the elephant in the room, it just keeps getting bigger until you can't see or even think about anything else.

So why don't I want to write about the "thing" with my family? Because I keep hoping that I can somehow make this blog non-anonymous. It's not really anonymous now, most of my readers know my real name. Hell, most of you are Facebook friends. But most of my off-line friends and family don't really know about it. Not that I would be upset if they stumbled on it but I'm hesitant to write personal stuff about my family and then make the blog more public to people who know them. On the other hand, pretty much everyone who knows me knows at least part of the story. So f**k it.

I was estranged from my dad and my brothers and pretty much most of my family for the past 12 years. Part of it had to do with my family not getting along with my husband and my feeling that I had to choose between them. (I was 7 months pregnant with my first child when we had a big falling out. I chose my husband.) Part of it had to do with everyone being stubborn and no one wanting to admit that they were wrong. For the record - and I've said this to everyone involved - I take responsibility for my own part in the whole mess. Also for the record, no one else in my family has been willing to do the same. But whatever. Life is too short. I'm willing to let it all go and just start fresh. I thought everyone else could do the same.

To the extent that I ever thought about it during those 12 years, I guess I saw myself as a puzzle piece lost under the couch. Once I was "found" I could just fit back into my very own tailor-made spot. But life isn't that neat and orderly. The puzzle changed. I changed. And I don't fit so neatly into the slot I once occupied. I missed a lot of stuff that went on so I wasn't there for various people in my family during some tough times. There are hard feelings. (Never mind that they weren't there for me during my hard times. But, like I said, whatever.)

What happened on the 3rd of July is kind of silly, in retrospect. My kids and I were supposed to go to my dad's and hang out with family. But some of my family members were going through another one of their tough times. And they only wanted "immediate family" around. I'm no longer considered immediate family so my kids and I were uninvited. I was disappointed. And really, really, really hurt. My kids couldn't have cared less. So that's good. I guess.

After six weeks of reflection I'm able to see that this has very little to do with me and a lot to do with them. I can sort of look at it objectively. Sort of. Here's what I've learned:

• You can go home again. But you can't expect it to be as if you never left in the first place.
• I've done the right thing - for myself - in forgiving them even if they can't forgive me. Life is too f**king short to hold grudges.
• If the family you were born into doesn't fill your needs, build one that does. Surround yourself with supportive friends who love you unconditionally. If you look, you'll find them.
• No matter how hard you try to stay grounded, something will come along to knock you off your feet. The key is to get back up and find a way to get grounded again.

So it has taken me awhile to regain my footing, so to speak. But I'm back and feeling stronger, and happier, than ever. Now that I've gotten the elephant out of the room, maybe I'll even start writing regularly again. Not many things would make me happier.

The Happiness Plan

The past few days I haven't been feeling very good about myself and I've been struggling to figure out what to do about it. So this morning when I woke up, a question popped into my head. "When you've felt good about yourself in the past, what's been going on and how can you replicate it?"

I was surprised and dismayed by my answer to the first part of the question. "I feel good about myself when other people are happy with me or when I'm in love (which usually means someone is in love with me)." The fairly obvious problem with that is that my happiness with myself is entirely dependent on other people. So the only way to replicate that feeling is to "make" other people praise me or fall in love with me. Clearly this is not realistic (especially given my lack of a life time supply of Love Potion #9).

So I dug a little deeper. "What was going on the last time you fell in love or when you had the kind of positive connections that you're looking for?" Because those things don't happen in a vacuum. When we're doing what we love to do - when we're happy - we attract positive connections. I guess that's what all the Law of Attraction proponents say. Maybe they're on to something . . . What I need is a Happiness Plan!

Although I don't want to base my self-worth on my interactions with others, I don't think there's anything wrong with doing things to make myself a little happier which will hopefully help to attract the connection that I want and so clearly need in my life. I have to be careful, though, that I don't start doing things that might make me happy in the short-run (instant gratification) but sacrifice my happiness in the long-run. I've never been much good at delayed gratification it seems. So my Happiness Plan has to incorporate things that will make me happy in the long-run even if they might make me whine in the short-run.

I've talked about my tendency to break promises I make to myself. When I do that, it makes me unhappy. And lately, I've been breaking all kinds of promises. On the one hand, I don't want to be too hard on myself but on the other, I worry that I'm too easy. There has to be a happy medium somewhere. I think the key to that is to make sure that I'm making promises (to myself and others) that are doable, consistent with my goals and values and flexible enough to take changed circumstances into consideration.

With my one week on/one week off custody arrangement, I have to schedule my promises with the understanding that when I have the kids, I have less time for things like writing. I simply can't write 2500 words a day when I have custody of the kids. If I expect to be able to do that, my conflicting goals are going to make me crazy. I want to spend time with the kids. I want to write a lot. But they can't both be my highest priority at the same time. If, by trying to do one I sacrifice the other, I will never be happy. But I'm in control of my promises to myself and I'm in control of determining how to meet my goals. Which means that I can wave my magic Glinda wand and say "When I have custody of the kids, I don't have to write 2500 words a day." And it's done. The pressure is off.

Managing my expectations about my ability to do stuff is only part of the Happiness Plan. The other part is to step up my game in areas that can't be waved away with my magic wand. As much as I'd love to make my bills disappear, every month my mortgage lender expects to be paid. And no amount of wishful thinking is going to change that.

It should come as no surprise that I've been slacking off some in the work department. Mainly because I still, technically, have a "day job" that I don't love but that pays the bills for now. I get paid hourly so I can work more hours and make more money. As much as it pains me to say this - if I had more money, I would be happier. It's not ALL about money but I hate worrying about money. I need just enough so that I don't have to worry about making next month's bills. Not worrying as much = happier.

The other slacking off area is organization. (Organization = bane of my existence). This is where short-term happiness vs. long-term happiness becomes a real issue for me. Short-term, few things make me happier than NOT cleaning and organizing (NOT exercising is close, though). Clearly, this is not a good set up for long-term happiness and effectiveness in life. I'm trying lots of different techniques to trick myself into getting stuff done but what I really need to do is JUST DO IT. Seriously, I need to put on some big girl pants and clean my room. It's sort of scary that I'm 45 years old and still need my Mom to yell at me before I will actually clean up the clutter. Sheesh. I know, deep down, that I'll be much happier and more relaxed if my surroundings are less cluttered. Apparently I somehow need to convince the part of my brain that actually controls my actions. Haven't figured out exactly how to do that consistently, though.

No Happiness Plan is complete without fun stuff. If there was no fun stuff, it would just be another to do list. (And if I've learned one thing in this life it's that to do lists suck.) When I'm not happy with myself, I start to feel like I don't deserve fun things. Somehow I figure that if I deny myself fun stuff, I'll get to work on the not-fun stuff so that when the not-fun stuff is done, THEN I'll deserve fun stuff. Not only is that sentence hard to read, that tactic does not work. Ever. Fun stuff has to be a part of every day in the Happiness Plan.

So here's my current Happiness Plan:

1) Think about the promises I've made to myself (and others) and make sure they're doable, flexible and consistent with my values and goals.

2) Step it up by working a few more hours each week and cleaning my freaking room (preferably with a minimum of whining).

3) Spend time outside every day - even when it's raining. (Because I'm always happier when I get out of the house even if I think I want to stay inside.)

4) Listen to my favorite music every day. (When I work at the office, I always play music but when I work at home I sometimes forget to turn it on. Music = fun.)

5) Talk to at least one friend a day. (It's easy for me to just chat on Twitter or read Facebook or email. But I feel so much more connected if I actually talk to someone. Connection = fun.)

The Happiness Plan will evolve over time (just like the dreaded to do list). But so long as the point is seeking happiness and not just getting things done, hopefully I'll be more likely to keep up with it. Now that I've developed the Plan, I'm going to clean my room with my favorite music playing!

Do you have a Happiness Plan? Share it here - I love sharing!

Promises, promises

Yesterday I read this post at Fierce and Mighty. In it, Kevin talked about being upset with himself for not being as organized as he felt he should have been and missing out on something as a consequence. True to my nature, my knee-jerk reaction was to tell him he was being too hard on himself and I said as much in the comments. But then I thought about it last night and I realized that my reaction had very little to do with him and everything to do with me.

There are times when I am clearly too hard on myself - fatalistic, even. It goes something like this - "I forgot to pay that bill on time and I have to pay a late fee. I am the biggest flake in the entire universe and I'll never be good at anything. Ever." In other words, I engage in a total waste of mental energy that leads me nowhere. Having been in an emotionally abusive marriage, it's not surprising that I would get to that place sometimes. But I'm not making excuses. I'm an adult and I know how silly and over-dramatic it is to say those kinds of things to myself.

But more often, I cut myself a hell of a lot of slack. When I flake out on something, I tell myself it's ok. Tomorrow is another day. You'll do better next time. Blah, blah, blah. It's true that I've been through some hard times over the past couple of years. And there were times when - for the sake of my mental health - it was necessary to cut myself slack. But I'm at the point now where it's time to buck up a little (or a lot). It's time for me to really and truly stop thinking (and acting) like a victim of my circumstances and get a move on.

As I've written about recently, I'm participating in The Complete Flake's 2500 word challenge. I've committed to write 2500 words a day, every day, for at least a month. Yesterday was the seventh day for me and I hadn't written anything as of 11:30 pm. And I was falling-asleep-at-the-computer exhausted. So I started telling myself it was ok to skip it. It had been a long day. The girls had friends over early in the day and we went to the movies. Then I spent the afternoon and evening at a Memorial Day party at my Dad's. By the time I got the girls into bed, it was very late. No one would have blamed me if I didn't write my 2500 words. The other challengers would have been very supportive. It would have been so easy to slack off and just not do it. That's what I've done a lot of times in my life. In a lot of different scenarios. But last night I decided it was time to do something different.

Living with integrity involves keeping the promises we make - not just to others but to ourselves. It's important that we be mindful when making promises so that we're not over-burdening ourselves or doing things that aren't in line with our values or goals. But once we make a promise, we need to keep it - even when (maybe especially when) it's difficult or inconvenient to do so. I'm not saying that there aren't times when keeping a promise is impossible or is so difficult or inconvenient that it might as well be impossible. And I'm not suggesting that we beat ourselves mercilessly if we fail to keep a promise. But what I'm saying is that we (I) should be as mindful about breaking promises as we should be about making them.

All this is to say that I wrote 2500 words last night. It was complete and utter crap - mostly things like "I am never going to be able to write 2500 words tonight because I am falling asleep" and "why the hell didn't I start this writing crap earlier so I wouldn't be doing this in the middle of the freaking night." So it wasn't great literature or even great blog post material. The point was that I made a promise to myself and I kept it. And I feel pretty good about that. (Oh, and you can bet your sweet boopie that every one of the 889 words I've written here will count towards my 2500 words for tonight.)

What I'm hoping is that I'll be able to apply this in other situations. I'd like to be eating better but sometimes when I get tired and cranky, I turn to Hint of Lime Tostitos for comfort (those things are awesome, by the way) instead of doing something healthy. Like getting enough sleep. Or taking a walk. All that means is that there are times (when I'm tired and cranky) that keeping my promise to myself (eating better) becomes hard and inconvenient. If I can write 2500 words when I'm exhausted simply because I promised that I would, then I can turn away from the chips for the same reason. Now, if I can apply this to getting my files organized, I will officially be in love with myself.

What about you? What promises have you made yourself and how are you about keeping them? Do tell.

How my devil and my angel make me crazy and what I'm doing about it

I've been keeping up with the 2500 word per day challenge and I have to say, some weird stuff seems to be coming out as I pour out enough words to get to the daily goal. I write as if I'm journaling so it's mostly stream of consciousness with a little bit of editing.

Yesterday I had a whole conversation with myself about my life. I would post it but it's really embarrassing. But one of the things I discussed with myself is the fact that I want to be a fun person. And to be a fun person, I have to do fun things. I'm usually up for stuff if someone else makes the plans but that's kind of a problem now that I'm divorced from the person who used to make the fun plans. So I reminded myself that if I want something in my life, I'm responsible for figuring out how to make it happen. So thanks to myself (with a little nudging from a friend), I rented a guitar today. I have two months to try it out and decide if I want to continue learning. At that point I'll either buy a guitar or move on to my next hobby (or back to one of the million hobbies I've already started).

Today I started writing about why I sometimes feel like I have multiple personalities. For a long time, I've felt that I have a devil who hangs out on my left shoulder and an angel who hangs out on my right shoulder. The devil isn't evil – just mischievous. When I think back on the times I've gotten myself in trouble, I can usually trace it back to something he said or suggested. He’s the one that dares me to do stuff that my angel thinks is a bad idea. He’s the one that says that everything will be okay while the angel worries about the consequences. Usually I listen to the angel. But not always. Sometimes the devil can convince the angel that something she doesn't want is okay. And sometimes I just tell them to shut up so I can figure out what’s right.

The problem with the devil is that he doesn't really think about other people or the consequences of various things. He thinks of stuff that would be fun or exciting. He wants adventure. But he forgets that I’m a mom. He forgets that I have a job. He likes music and reading and eating and drinking. He likes hanging out with friends and watching movies and tv. He likes being lazy, lazy, lazy. He hates paperwork. He hates cleaning. He hates order and efficiency. Loves chaos and mayhem. He likes to dance like a madman. He’s the one that wants the tattoo.

My angel thinks about other people constantly. She’s the responsible one who pays the bills. And tries hard to get the kids to school on time. She likes it when things are organized and orderly. She completely freaks out when I don’t keep my promises but she’s the one who gets me to over-promise in the first place. Because she wants everyone to love me. She wants me to be a good girl who never lets anyone down. She doesn't want me getting into trouble. Or making trouble. She thinks a tattoo is a horrible idea because some people might not like it. Some people might think it’s silly or weird. People might think I’m not acting my age. Like I said, she wants everyone to love me. Or at least like me. She wants to fit in so badly. My devil doesn't give a rat's ass about that crap.

It's no wonder I feel nuts. Sometimes they yell at each other so loud I can't hear myself think. And sometimes they refuse to speak at all and I feel lost. Lately I've been listening to my devil more often. First of all, he's a lot more fun. But also I'm kind of pissed at my angel because she sort of fucked up my life. If I hadn't listened to her I probably would have gotten out of my marriage sooner. Then again, maybe this is all just a neat trick so that I don't have to take responsibility for my own decisions.

One of the problems is that the devil and the angel each have their own agendas. They aren't always thinking about what's in my long-term best interest. If I listen to one or the other of them too much, my life gets out of balance and I get off track. I think the key for me is to develop a set of values - touchstones - that I can refer to whenever I'm feeling stuck about a decision. The devil and the angel can debate all they want. I can feel better about whatever decision I make if it stands up against my touchstone values.

It isn't that I don't have any values. I do. But I've been so ungrounded (for lack of a better word) for so long that I've lost touch with the core of who I am and who I want to be. When I'm not grounded, I'm almost at the mercy of whoever talks loudest - whether it's my angel, my devil, my kids, my boss or my ex-husband. For years I felt like I was standing chest deep in the ocean, struggling to keep my footing. I was constantly buffeted by the waves with the tide pulling at me. At my lowest, I thought about giving in and floating away - or worse. When I felt strong, I would tread water, fighting to stay in what I hoped was the right spot. I finally feel like I'm on solid ground but still somewhat subject to the wind and shifting sands.

As I was thinking about this, I remembered why I started reading one of my new favorite blogs - Fierce and Mighty. It was this post that hooked me. Specifically, it was this:

"I am the sort of person who believes that in order to have a successful and fulfilling life, it’s important to have a set of principles on which to ground yourself. I think that’s a lot of what helped me through some of my rougher times – that foundation of knowing who I was and who I wanted to be.

I want to be the guy who treats people the way I want to be treated… even if that other person is a douchebag. I want to live with honor. I want to live with integrity. I want to live with determination. I want to never be afraid to risk getting my heart broken because if I hold back, I’ll never get the chance at experiencing great love. I want to live in balance (this one is hard for me). I want to never forget how much of this life is a gift and I should never, ever, EVER take that for granted… because I've seen how life can jump up and kick some amazing people in the teeth without any provocation or sense of it being deserved. Anyone can suffer that fate… so embrace the good and the opportunities you see now."

I'm always impressed with people who know who they are. And knowing your own core values is essential to knowing who you really are. So what are my touchstones? I haven't quite figured that out yet. (I thought about waiting to publish this post until I figured it all out. But that would certainly mean that this post would never get published. And I'd probably stop thinking about my touchstones all together and go back to treading water).

It would be easy for me to just adopt Fierce and Mighty's values as my own - they're great. They sound good and seem like values I "should" live by. But that would be cheating. And really won't get me on solid ground because they won't be mine really. I'll always know that they're his so I'll wonder if I'm applying them right or something. So I'll have to think about it for awhile. Sit in Remembrance and see what my heart says. I know that I'll come up with a few things eventually. And I'll be on my way to solid ground in no time.

What are your Touchstone values? Please share - I could use some ideas!

I love a good challenge

Here's a secret about me - I have a really hard time not taking a dare. It probably won't come as a surprise to anyone why I've kept that close to the vest. Maybe someday I'll write about the trouble that particular personality quirk has gotten me into. A similar and somewhat less troublesome quirk of mine is that I love a challenge. So when LaVonne over at The Complete Flake tossed out a challenge to me the other day, I took it.

I was whining about not writing as much as I wanted to and she told me to write 2500 words a day. It had worked for her in the past so I figured it was worth a shot. So I did it last night and managed to finish a post I had wanted to write for a few days. When I told her that I had taken her challenge, she was inspired to take her own challenge. So tonight we were twittering about it and she decided to issue her challenge to all her readers - write 2500 words a day. About anything. About nothing. About whatever comes to mind. Trick your inner perfectionist into letting you write without editing. I've done it two days in a row and so far so good. (I already did my 2500 words tonight and this post is IN ADDITION. I am a writing rock star right now.)

If you want to jump start your writing or take it to a higher level, feel free to join us. Comment here or over at Complete Flake or tweet using #2500 and let us know you're in. And then tell us how it's going. I can't wait to see what happens!

Wherein I convince myself that I am not a snake oil salesman even if I'm afraid my Not Right People might think I am

I feel like I've been totally unproductive today when, in fact, I've actually been fairly productive. I didn't do the things I promised myself that I would do (like work that I actually get paid real money to do right now and cleaning the house but *yuck* who likes to do that?) and that's why I feel like I wasn't productive at all. What I did do is this. I wrote an article (it's short and it's on Facebook but I can still call it an article, right?) about essential oils and why I like them and want to sell them to all my friends. (I would totally give them away to my friends but I'm not Warren Buffett or Steve Jobs so I have to make a living and that's ok, right? Right.)

And there's the real problem. The fact that I felt like I even had to ask the question of whether it's ok to make money selling essential oils to people. I am so not a "salesperson." When I even think about that term, that job, it brings up all kinds of icky feelings. And selling essential oils . . . does the term "snake oil salesman" come to mind? Of course it does. Which makes the icky feelings much worse.

I really believe in the power of essential oils to make us happier and healthier. I use them myself and although I'm pretty new to all this, I can already feel the benefits. I know (kind of like spiritual knowing and not book-knowledge, hard science knowing) that lots of people would be healthier and happier if they used more natural products and less chemical-laden crap. I have a burning desire to help people get there. But translating that burning desire into getting myself to do stuff that would actually sell products to people is really, really hard because of the aforementioned "snake oil salesman" icky feeling.

This is all tied into some of my issues with charging for my services as a healer. I think about people like Mother Teresa dedicating her life to healing the sick without getting paid. And even though I'm certainly no saint, I start to feel bad about charging for something that everyone should have access to. I know that's being way too hard on myself. There's nothing wrong with getting paid for my services. I'll be donating my time and money to charity as I see fit and can afford. That's what most people do. Why is it that I think it's ok for everyone else but not for me?

It was hard for me to write that Facebook article today. It took a lot longer than it might seem given the lack of length and wordiness. It was mainly because my first couple of drafts felt too salesy. And I just couldn't hit the Publish button. So I took a break, goofed around and came back to it. I made it, hopefully, more educational and more personal. Instead of having the link to my website at the top of the article, I put it at the end. Maybe it seems a bit defensive that way - as if I'm embarrassed about asking people to check out the website. Which I am, a little. But I want people to know that I'm not just pushing a product to make a buck. I believe in the product. I believe in the company that makes the product. I want to talk to people about a problem they might have (in this case, the over use of anti-bacterial soaps) and how my product can help them solve that problem. When I think about it that way, I don't feel so icky about it.

I think the bottom line here is that I need to get my message out to my Right People. Those people won't think I'm a snake oil salesman. My Right People are interested in better health for themselves and the planet. My Right People are ok with spending a little more money to get something that is pure, natural and healthy. My Right People understand the benefits of Reiki and other forms of energy healing. And they want to support me in my little business because they think what I'm doing is cool. So here's the thing - I'm asking the universe to help me find those Right People. I'll put myself out there which is scary and hard. But I'm doing it because I know that my Right People are out there somewhere and if I don't put myself and my message out in the world, they'll never find me. And that would be far worse than having a few people -my Not Right People - think I'm an icky snake oil salesman.

Scattered . . .

Lately, I feel like all my best writing is in comments on other people's blogs and in email conversations. I say something and think "Wow, that's good. I should write a blog post." But when I get here, I can't seem to put together a coherent sentence. There seems to be so much going on in my head - so many ideas, thoughts, conversation threads, grocery lists and random song lyrics - that I can't figure out what to say in a post.

I think it's pressure - I'm starting to feel pressure to write here. It's not so much that it turns into a "should" (which, as my readers know, are evil). I love writing. As much as I love talking. And I love talking. Just ask my family. When it gets hard is when I start feeling like the writing has to be more than good (because I always want it to be that), it has to be meaningful. And not just meaningful to me. It has to be meaningful to other people. That's where I get into trouble. Instead of just writing for myself and hoping it helps someone else (which is why I started this blog in the first place), I try to write for recognition. That's when my brain freaks out and freezes. Because my brain knows that getting attached to an outcome is a dangerous thing. It could lead to disappointment. What if I wrote this post that was so full of meaning it could barely stand itself and no one read it? Or worse, people read it and hated it or ignored it. I didn't get the recognition I set out to get. That would mean I failed. Two things I don't particularly like - disappointment and failure. It's not surprising I can't write anything when my brain goes through that analysis.

A bit of this is coming from my new venture. I want to have a writing/web site component to it and I know that in order for that part of it to be successful, the content will need to be meaningful to a certain number of people. And I'll have to come up with new, meaningful content on a regular basis. That's reality. And if I can't deal with that, then maybe the writing part of this business isn't for me. To what extent do I use positive thinking to move forward here ("Of course you'll be able to do it! You're a great writer!") and, if it doesn't work, at what point do I accept that maybe I'm not as good a writer as I hoped? Now we're getting into one of the things I wanted to write about today - my response to Gina's beautiful post over at Embody Grace. But since I don't feel I can do it justice in my current addled state of mind, I'm going to let that percolate until it's ready.

There are going to be times when we do something in order to achieve a particular goal. I'm not saying that it's always bad to do something hoping for a particular outcome. But writing - at least for me, in this space - can't be about an outcome. It can't be about what someone else wants because, let's face it, I'm not smart enough to know what you people want. Or what you'll find meaningful. All I can do is share my story with you and hope something resonates. So I guess I am writing for a goal - I'm writing to connect with other people. But it's the process of doing the writing that connects me. It's putting myself out there. So, hi, who ever is out there! I hope I've connected with you in some way.

Coming out of hibernation

So I've decided that it's time I started writing again. My pending divorce - and the possibility of a custody dispute - was a convenient excuse for me to stop writing publicly. Unfortunately, if I'm not writing publicly, I pretty much don't write at all. It's almost like blogging primes the writing pump for me. Without it I can't seem to get started on any kind of writing. And I miss it.

I know a lot of people continue blogging through their divorces and I had planned on it. But given the possibility of a custody dispute - which is no longer likely (thankfully) - my friends and family counseled me to stop. I write from the heart. I write about myself and my experiences, good and bad. They (and I) worried that something I wrote could be used against me. And I could not take any risk when it came to custody of my kids. But the time has come for me to start writing again.

I've found that the more I share about myself with others, the more I get back. And, strangely enough, it seems that when I share the darker aspects of my experience it opens up a level of communication that isn't available when I only talk about the good things. We tend to see the best in others and the worst in ourselves. When we find out that someone else has similar struggles and doubts, we feel relieved. And we feel better about sharing our own struggles. I spent a lot of my life pretending everything was great. Don't get me wrong, I've had some great times in my life and, compared to lots of other people in the world, I'm incredibly blessed. But I've struggled with bulimia, depression, an abusive relationship, ADD. I've been through a lot and I'm still working through pain and anger and other things that have been with me for a long time. Writing helps me work through those things. And even if no one reads this, blogging helps me feel like I'm not alone - especially during those times that I can't call a friend. (Like now - 12:30 am on a week night when most of them are asleep).

Tonight's struggle is two-fold. For starters, my father is having open heart surgery tomorrow. On top of that, I'm basically out of work and trying to figure out what I'm going to be when I grow up. I'm trying not to worry about my Dad. Other than some heart issues, he's actually a healthy guy and he'll most likely recover very well. But any surgery is risky and I can't help but worry.

I was laid off over a year ago. I was spending time with my kids and dealing with my divorce until a few months ago. I'm now working part time as a lawyer for an old employer but I don't know how long that will last. Truthfully, I don't want to be a lawyer anymore. It's a struggle to do the work because I don't really want to do it. I've been a lawyer for almost 15 years. Been there. Done that. Can't do it anymore. But I have to have some way of making money. So I've been working when I feel like it, which is not really enough. I'm not at my most responsible right now, I guess. I've been the sole breadwinner for my family for over five years now and I guess I'm just on a sort of extended vacation right now. Hibernating, if you will.

There are so many things I want to do and a lot of things I enjoy. The question is what can I do that will allow me to support myself and my share of the kids' expenses while fulfilling the parts of me that have been unfulfilled for so long? As a lawyer, I just used my head. Not my heart or my hands. I realized that I needed something where I didn't have to be in an office and I could feel like I was actually helping people. So I decided last year that I want to become a massage therapist. I can't really start school until the divorce is final - hopefully this summer. But it isn't enough to just go back to school and then get another job. I need to develop a vision for my life. How do I want it to look? Feel? Do I want to be an independent contractor or an employee? Do I want to start my own business and have my own employees? How much do I want to work? How much do I need to work? This is all so overwhelming.

Unfortunately, when I get overwhelmed, I shut down. I stop doing anything. I stop doing the things I love to do because it never seems enough. If I spend some time knitting, I feel like I haven't gotten enough done. Or like I should be working. Or whatever I've made isn't good enough. For what or who I don't know. There are other projects I'd love to do but I don't because I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't be as good as I want to be. I don't give myself time to learn and get better. I don't give myself permission to be imperfect. I know - intellectually - that no one is perfect. I know that even the best artists struggle and create crap before they create something beautiful. But emotionally, I have a difficult time with it. Maybe that's one of the reasons I like blogging. There's an immediacy to it that somehow makes it easier to get through. If you don't write something, you can't post anything. And posts don't have to be long. Or perfect. They just have to exist. And then you hope someone reads it. But you're not sending it to an editor hoping they'll publish it. You're not trying to write a whole book. Just a post. A writing baby step.

Baby steps. My phrase of the year. Baby steps every day. But some days call for giant leaps. So here's my giant leap for today. I'm actually going to press the Publish Post button.

And the ride continues . . .

My husband just declared: "You're on your own. Don't ask me for help on anything." Hmmm. Well that's all well and good. I wish I was on my own and didn't have to ask him for a thing. But, you see, we're still connected. We have two children. We own a home together (that he's living in while I'm on the road with one of said children). We share finances (and BY THE WAY, he's financing a new business with OUR home equity line of credit - doesn't that mean I'm helping him BIG TIME?). I'm not at home. I don't have all my stuff. By definition I need his help in some way, shape or form. But ok. I'll just deal.

This whole divorce thing SUCKS. I have to get a credit card in my name. Our two main credit cards are in his name. The two that are in my name - one we use for the kids' business expenses (don't ask) and the other is the business card for HIS business. The business that he's made very clear I will not share in.

We're trying hard not to sell our apartment because we don't want the kids to have to move from the home they love while dealing with the divorce. But when he gets mad at me, he threatens to make things ugly for everyone. Including the kids! How is that the right way to behave? He wants me to toe his line or it will be my fault for making things difficult. Such bullshit.

Ok, I'm sick of the divorce. I don't want to talk about it anymore.

I want to talk about writing. I signed up to join a writer's workshop type of site today. You have to be accepted into the group. Then you have to submit your writing but you also have to critique other writers work. I'm scared to death - there are lots of really good, published authors on this site. But I think being scared is good. At least in this context. I have to step out and take some risks. Right? Right.